Omaha

I know I'm past due.....I've never been good at deadlines, even self imposed ones. I spent last weekend in Omaha visiting my Aunt and Uncle on my mother's side. It was very nice and relaxing. We went to a basketball game and watched my cousin play drums in the pep band. I remember when he was born. I changed his diapers and I babysat him and now he's a grown man going to college and he's brilliant. I felt so old at that game but I had so much fun. My Aunt has always been so supportive and loving and I could tell her anything. She worried that I was bored and that she wasn't a good hostess but honestly I was happy that it was a laid back weekend. It was wonderful having time to decompress before I came home. I was scared to come home because I didn't have that "A HA" moment. I'm a dreamer and I believe in happy endings so there was a part of me that thought I would have a moment on the road when I would just know that this was the place I was meant to be and I would know what to do with the rest of my life. But I didn't have that. I know that I'm not cut out for Corporate America even though I spent the last ten years there. I love kids but don't have any of my own so I know I want to work with kids and give back. If I move I will move someplace warm but I'm not cut out for LA. So I think it'd be Arizona but I'm not completely sold.

I know that happiness needs come from within and my surroundings are just a bonus but not a deciding factor. But what makes my soul sing? The last time I felt complete was in college when I was directing. Can I survive on that alone? No, I have to be realistic. Theatre is and will always be my passion. I was so lucky to have phenomenal teachers who inspired me and helped me grow as an artist and a person. Maybe I can be that person to someone else. I've been home for 6 days and I've been avoiding responsibility completely. My dear friend flew in from North Carolina to spend time with me so I've been focusing on him. Tonight I went to a party for a wonderful woman celebrating her 40th birthday (which is insane because she can out party me and anyone else I know any day of the week and doesn't look a day over 30). I sat there catching up with friends an former co-workers and I realized that it's ok to not have all of the answers right now. My journey wasn't in vain, it was truly epic. I had time to think about the big picture and process the last year's events. For the first time in my life, I have enjoyed being alone. That is HUGE because I've always hated being alone and have surrounded myself with people for that reason.

Driving on the open road was so liberating and I wasn't afraid. I have let fear run my life for so long that I didn't know what it was like to live otherwise. So now I'm making a change. I don't have all of the answers but I know that my Epic Journey is not over. I am traveling more but it doesn't mean that my discoveries only come from travel. So I'm going to continue writing an discovering for myself. If someone reads it and gains a new perspective that's great but this is for me. This is my selfish act. I pick me and the most important relationship I can ever have is with myself. If I don't love me, how can I expect someone else to love me?

To be continued........