Los Angeles - part two

I left Los Angeles and as I drove to Las Vegas I reflected on my trip and the lessons learned there. My epic journey will not be finished when I get back to Chicago, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up and I haven't had the "a ha" moment yet. The "a ha" moment is what I've been expecting to happen when I get to the place that I'm supposed to live. Maybe that's unrealistic and silly but I am a dreamer and I love a good story. I can't wait to find out how this chapter ends and the next begins in my life. I spent the week with wonderful people and I'm so very lucky to have friends that are so caring and loving. Will is so insightful and wise beyond his years. Ben has a kind heart and makes me laugh till I cry and maybe pee a little (Ben you seriously need to be a stand up comedian). Sarah is so strong and caring. We had a lovely dinner and wonderful conversation. Through Sarah I reconnected with Mychela. Sarah and I went to college together and she knows Mychela through Chicago theatre and I went to high school with Mychela. And I met Lilly and Rui through my dear Tanya.

Lilly and Rui are fabulous, so successful and confident; very much what I would like to be. We went for drinks and discussed our lives and goals. Lilly is driven and passionate. I admire her for her drive and determination. Rui does many things in the industry and as we were talking I asked him if he was happy. He said, "That's a great question; I don't know." That stunned me! Here's a man who produces films, has his own record label and is successful but he doesn't know if he's happy. How very sad. I told them about my journey and some of the experiences I've had along the way and Rui said, "Well you're more successful than I am." I asked him why and he said, because you're taking a risk and impacting people's lives. But everyone you meet has some impact on your life, it's up to you to recognize it. He went on to say that producing a 3 minute song doesn't impact a child like passing out Christmas presents to needy kids does. I said, how do you know that? That song could inspire that child to write, sing, play an instrument, be courageous and do what's in their heart.

We went to the Chateau Marmont and had a few drinks and people watched. Rui told me I'm too wholesome for LA and I need to go home. I laughed but I know that even though my wonderful friends are there and the weather is beautiful, LA is not where I'm supposed to be. The pretentious young agents trying too hard to command the room and look cool at the same time made me feel really good about myself. I actually felt like one of the most secure people in that room because I didn't care if anyone talked to me or looked at me, I was comfortable in my own skin. That's HUGE for me because for most of my life, I haven't liked myself very much and I certainly haven't been comfortable. I know that I'd rather be broke and happy than rich and empty inside. So I'm headed back to Chicago and I have some more stops along the way. I stopped in Vegas last night and am staying tonight and then headed to Utah in the morning.

Now off to explore the Strip in the daylight!

Los Angeles

New beginnings??? 

I got here Monday afternoon and I was excited and exhausted at the same time. The lack of sleep, driving and going out has finally caught up with me and I'm sick with a sinus infection. I'm staying with my friend Will who I haven't seen since high school. We've known each other since we were 11 and were great friends but things happen and it faded. We re-connected and again I feel like no time has passed between us at all. He's a kindred spirit, very insightful and kind as always. He's been the best guide and support I could have hoped for here. We've had very meaningful discussions, laughed, enjoyed the silence and I feel relaxed. I tend to focus my energy on everyone else so that I don't have to deal with me at all. I always feel guilty for taking time for me or telling someone I can't do exactly what they want me to do when they want me to do it. So this time is for me to take care of myself, to figure out what makes my soul sing and how to grab it and never let go. 

I consider myself on the cusp of something great but there is major temptation for me to fall back into old, bad habits out of fear. There is a kind, wonderful man that loves me, picked me out of everyone else and I could let myself become swept away. I mean, what's so bad about being swept away by someone who loves you, right? Well the difference for me is I tend to lose myself in that other person and I make the choice to change who I am so I fit with that person better. I focus on their wants and needs and I put mine to the side, this is how I've always been but now I know I can't continue like that. I want to have meaningful, lasting relationships and the only way to do that is to spend time with me first. So I'm making the choice to work on me and to step back from everyone else. This is one of the hardest choices for me because I hate to hurt or disappoint the people who mean the most to me. 

Last night I was out with Will and my friend Ben from college and I asked Ben if he was happy and if what he was doing made his soul sing. He asked me why it was so important to me that my friends are happy and on the same journey that I'm on. It's not that I want them to be on the same journey at all, but it is important that they are happy because I love my friends. I told Ben that I'm his cautionary tale and he should always be with people who pick him, who love him and he looked at me and said, "I pick you Val." So naturally I cried. It was a good cry because those words meant so much to me. 

I had very vivid dreams last night; some made sense and some didn't. I've been holding on for dear life to a love that might not be real and I need to let it go. I've lived with too many "what if's" and that eats away at me so when the chance to reconnect to my "one that got away" came, I grabbed it. He told me he loved me and I believed it with every fiber of my being. I know in my head that the timing has never been right and we won't be together but the hopeless romantic in me still wanted to believe in miracles. And then there's this wonderful man who loves me and wants to be with me but he will be gone for the next year at war. I have feelings for him but I can't allow myself to be swept away because I can't make it back from a third heartbreak in less than a year. And it's so easy to be swept away but then I'm falling back into my old unhealthy patterns. I feel very lucky that he picked me but there's a part that feels it's too good to be true and he's made a mistake and will figure out that I'm not worthy. 

I realized that I've spent my trip thinking about these men and worrying about them and not focusing enough on me. So I'm pulling back and taking some time and much needed space. It's hard for me to not feel guilty about that but for once, I pick me. 

Phoenix

Letting go of the past.....I'm not very good at that, I tend to dwell and let the past eat me up inside. I spent the weekend with my friend Mel and her family and it was very low key but insightful. I've known Mel since I was 17 and she has always supported me and her family has welcomed me with open arms. I sit back and watch her and her husband with their son and I smile. It's his third birthday party and he's so excited for his Scooby Doo party. Her parents and her brother treat me like I'm party of the family and I'm forever grateful to them for that. I've been struggling with the anger I've been holding on to. I've been angry that I had to go through the hardest time in my life alone; that my parents passed judgement and abandoned me. And there's a big part of me that felt guilty for even being sad about my marriage ending and losing my job. I would look at my friends in the military and feel ashamed for crying about my situation when theirs is so much harder; to worry about survival and their brothers in arms dying and missing their families for an entire year. I had a very insightful and meaningful conversation with Mel's husband who is a Marine, no longer active. He told me that I have the right to feel what I feel and that I shouldn't let anyone else diminish that. That these men made the choice to sign up and go to war and they knew the possible risks. He turned to me and said, "when did you sign up for what you're going through? When did you know what you were getting yourself into?" He told me that I'm family and that they would always be there for me.

I believe that you can't pick your family but you can pick your friends and sometimes your friends are your true family. I can't forget what happened to me in my past but I don't have to hold onto the anger anymore. The past has shaped who I am and where I am today. So now I need to move forward and not look back so much........

Next stop, Los Angeles

Tucson

To me the best friendships are the ones that endure no matter what has happened or how much time has passed since you last spoke or saw each other. I'm the luckiest person because I have friends who are my family and stand by me no matter what. I came to Tucson last night to visit my dear friend Mindy who I haven't seen in 13 years. She welcomed me into her home with open arms and it felt like no time had gone by at all. We reconnected online and she sent me one of the most touching messages I have ever received and it felt like she knew at that exact moment that I needed a friend and support and I will be forever grateful. I felt at peace and so relaxed today and I realized that I haven't felt like this in YEARS! Her family is so  amazing and even though it was the first time I met her hu, band and three beautiful children I feel like I've known them for years and am part of the family. Mindy and Adrian are so supportive and have given me wonderful advice. Again I am so very lucky! I won't know for certain where I'm supposed to be until I finish my trip but I wish I had planned more time at each place. I know 100% that I will be back in Tucson.....soon.

I got my nose pierced today. I've wanted to do it since high school and was always too scared. That's crazy considering I have six tattoos. It just felt right today. We had a wonderful day walking around with Mindy's two year old...I wish I had a quarter of his energy. We played at the park, played at a fountain and saw the most beautiful sunset. I'm sad to leave but I know in my heart I will come back. In a year of epic fails I am blessed to have epic wins and reconnecting with my dear friend Mindy is an epic win.

Next stop.....Phoenix

Roswell

I wasn't planning on meeting people or learning anything in Roswell; it was just a stopping point between Austin and Tucson, not one of my real destinations. But that's the beauty of life; the unexpected things are sometimes the best. I got here around 4pm and checked into a Best Western on Main St, nothing special just for the night. I asked the front desk clerk what she recommended I do in town for my one night and she said, "Well of course the alien stuff." So I drove down the street to the UFO Museum and gift shops which all closed at 5pm. For me, thirty minutes of alien "stuff" was plenty. My hotel is across the street from a restaurant/bar called Farley's and across the street to the left is the New Mexico Military Institute. I sat at the bar, ordered a drink and studied the menu. The bartender was friendly, long blonde ponytail, soul patch, spacers in each ear and talkative. He made sure no one messed with me, not that there was anyone there to give me trouble, it wasn't that kind of place but still the thought was sweet.

I chatted on the phone with a dear friend who I miss so much and I ordered some food. After dinner, I met some people outside having a cigarette. We ended up sitting together and talking for the rest of the night. One of the men is a Staff Sergent and is now in the reserves. He's been to Iraq three times and he never wants to go back. He told me that he trains new soldiers, young kids 17, 18, 19 years old and some of them are so excited to go over there and fight. He tells them that they don't know what they are saying when they ask him when they will go. He tells me about his friends that he lost. One of the women with us talks about her brother who is over there again and has been in the military for 19 years. She's so proud of him but she is so scared that one day two men in uniform will come to the house and tell her that he's not coming home. Her eyes stare off into a far away place and her face darkens as she says this. I can't help but look at her even though it feels like a private moment for her and I should look away.

So I ask the question to the group, "Why do it then? I have some friends who say that they'd rather fight over there than in their backyards; that if they don't do it who will; and they do it so their children won't have to."
Those are very noble reasons but I wanted to know what these people thought. The Staff Sergent looked at me and said "We all have choices to make in life and we have to be prepared for the consequences. I believe that not making a choice and acting on it is worse than making the wrong choice because by taking that step you've done something and you're not just stuck." I thought about my friend who just came back from a year over there, fourth deployment and my dear friend who is going in March for a year on his third deployment and a few tears escaped. I brushed them away quickly and looked up and the Staff Sergent said, "it's ok to be scared but know that we make these choices and we know the consequences before we go so you don't need to cry for us." I hugged him and thanked him and the group and said good night.

That statement hit so close to home I was stunned. Part of my problem is that I've been too afraid to make some choices so I've let them sit in limbo. So maybe a leap of faith is what I need to take right now and if I fall then I fall but at least I will have made a choice...........

Moving on to Tucson, AZ.......

Austin

"When it's right, you'll know." I've been told that several times during my trip. I'm having a hard time believing that and trusting myself and my feelings. Feelings can be misleading and can change. So when I get to the place that I'm supposed to start a new life in how will I know? Will I have a warm tingly-face feeling? Will a beam of light open from the heavens and a choir of angels sing? What will be my sign to know that I'm doing the right thing and I'm in the right place? I'm a worrier, a very talented worrier. I worry about money and paying my bills and I worry about my dog being safe and not hating me for leaving him with my sister for so long. I worry about how everyone else in my life feels and what everyone else thinks about me. I spend so much time worrying that actually living my life is passing me by and I'm missing it.

I loved being in Austin with Corrie and Joe. I don't know if this is where I'm supposed to be though. The people here are so nice, it's very dog friendly, the weather is beautiful and it has an eclectic home feel. But what would I do here? I don't want just a job, I want a career, I want my soul to sing and I want to shine with happiness. I haven't seen that job posting anywhere though..... The scary thing is that I could take the easy way out again. I could get a job in corporate america and tell myself that this is the responsible thing to do and lose sight of myself and my needs again. So I'm fighting that very hard right now. It's an inner struggle between two parts of my brain and personality. It's exhausting at times.

I spoke with a dear friend last night and he said I might not know right away, it might take time maybe months after I've finished this road trip to truly know where I'm supposed to be and what my true calling is. My dear Corrie is one of the most patient people I know. She gives her time, love, understanding and friendship and doesn't put restrictions or requirements on any of them. The advice that she gave me is to take time for myself to figure it out and don't lose sight of the purpose in making this trip......to discover myself. Much Love Corrie!!

Next stop.....Roswell, NM.....going on an Alien hunt; I'm not afraid!

New Orleans

I hate the silence. I arrived at my friend's place just after midnight Friday, about twenty minutes outside of New Orleans. I'd never met him in person but was introduced through a mutual friend and had chatted online before. I stayed until Sunday morning and then headed out to Austin. The ironic thing is that I was in one of the most loud, crazy-party cities but the weekend was so quiet to me and I don't like the quiet/silence. It gives me too much time to think. In one respect, that's what this trip is about, thinking and processing what's happened in my life and where I want it to go. I always feel the need to fill the silence with talking and then the insecurities come out and I worry that I'm being annoying. I feel like I had too much down time and then began to over think things. The ghosts of my lost loves came back at me full force. Two epic heartbreaks in less than six months is all I can handle at this point and I can't go all in for a third. For me it's like being a recovering alcoholic, I'm newly sober to "love" and I can't rush back into it and become intoxicated and lose my perspective and put my needs on the back burner yet again. A recovering alcoholic 30 days sober wouldn't go into a bar to just "hang out", so why am I playing chicken with my heart? Sitting in silence with someone that I barely know is intimidating and uncomfortable for me.

Saturday night we went to Bourbon Street which was a whole new world for me. I'd love to go back and spend more time in New Orleans. There was an air of freedom and relaxed confidence that I loved and craved. I can be a talented actress when it comes to playing confidence but I need real confidence from deep inside, not dependent on another person. The loud music, bright neon lights, and laughter were a welcome distraction from the silence and helped me forget about the ghosts that haunted me all day. We listened to a cover band and I danced with strangers. It was a fun escape. The next day I got up early and drove back down to New Orleans and spent the morning walking around the French Quarter. I regretted not doing more on Saturday during the day. I wasted time just sitting in the silence of the condo and I should have been out exploring. The French Quarter was beautiful. I bought two paintings on slate from an artist in the park, then at the suggestion of a carriage driver I went to Johnny Po Boys for breakfast and had the best biscuits I've ever had. Cafe Du Mond was my next stop but they only took cash and the line for take out or to sit down was over an hour long. Sadly I left the Big Easy without my beignets. But I enjoyed fabulous fried green tomatoes, fresh oysters, shrimp, crawfish and a gianormus muffelata sandwich. And I left with the knowledge that even though it hurts to sit in the silence and face the ghosts and my past, it's necessary in order to move on.

Next stop....Austin, TX

Memphis

I arrived in Memphis last night around 10:30 and checked into a Comfort Inn then went to Fox and Hound for a very late dinner and drinks. I met a very nice couple in their thirties and we chatted for hours. At the end of the night they told me that they were swingers....epic fail. Needless to say I went back to the hotel alone. Today was awesome and I had some wonderful interactions and I experienced acts of kindness from complete strangers. First on the agenda was Graceland. Honestly I'm not a huge Elvis fan but I enjoyed the tour of the mansion, plane and exhibits. I met a very sweet elderly man who is a tour guide at Graceland and we had a lovely conversation. He referred to me as "Chicago" for the rest of my time there and told me to behave in New Orleans and to be careful.

Next was a visit to Alcenia's on Main St. http://alcenias.com/ for a late lunch. I saw a profile of the restaurant on Food Network some time ago and I had to stop in for authentic soul food. The owner, BJ really does give every customer a hug when you walk in and she thanks you for coming. I was the only customer and the restaurant is very cozy and wonderfully decorated, I felt like I was sitting in her kitchen and I LOVED it! I literally had the best fried chicken, corn bread, mac n' cheese and green beans in my life! As I sat and ate, a woman came in and sat down at the table across from me, talking on her cell phone. She is an attorney, very outgoing and a friend of the owner. An older couple came in and sat at the other table near us and we started talking. The woman asked me where I'm from, why I'm in Memphis, etc and I told her my story. She told me about her children, her eldest is my age and she was very encouraging and kind to me. We had a lovely conversation and she said that she wanted to buy my lunch. I told her that wasn't necessary and she said, "Are you too old to accept blessings?" I said no ma'am, thank you very much. After I finished eating I said goodbye and the woman told me to wait one minute. She came over to me and gave me money. I told her I couldn't accept it and she said she is so blessed and she wanted to buy me a tank of gas to help me on my journey. That act of sincere kindness brought tears to my eyes. I hugged her and I thanked her. She wished me luck and I left to find Beale St.

One the way I stopped for gas and there was an old, mostly toothless homeless man standing by the gas station door. I walked passed and smiled at him and he asked me if I had any food. I was taken aback because I'm usually asked for cash, not actual food. He then said, "I'm sorry, I haven't eaten today." I told him to wait for me and I went inside. There was a subway inside and I bought him a foot long sub, some water and Gatorade. I came out and gave him the food, he looked down at the ground then up at me and said "Thank you, God bless you." I told him that I was just paying it forward and to take care. So I guess my lesson today was to accept acts of kindness and repay them in turn to someone else who deserves it.

I made my way to Beale St. and walked up and down the street, looking at the shops and then decided to go to BB King's Blues Club for a drink and some more food. After all I was in Memphis and it was production critical that I sample the cuisine as much as possible, LOL. The club has a great atmosphere and everyone was so friendly. In fact, most people in Memphis were very friendly and smiled a lot, very refreshing! I sat at the bar and a couple from New Hampshire next to me starting talking to me. After the previous night's experience I was a bit leery but they did not proposition me so we chatted for a couple hours. They have been married for 21 years, they travel, have common interests and are best friends and still very much in love. Again, an example of what a marriage can be and I believe should be. They were very encouraging and told me about their experiences and made a fantastic suggestion for a career move for me.....working for the USO coordinating shows/performances. I can totally do that and it would be giving back and still using my talents. We listened to a kid, literally he was 16 or 17, play guitar and sing the blues and he was fantastic.  I had to get on the road to New Orleans so I said goodbye and made my way south.

I arrived in New Orleans after midnight and am going to crash....tomorrow exploring the Big Easy!!!

Springfield, day one

I had a late start today and didn’t realize how much I still had to do before I could leave. I took two friends to the airport, one to O’Hare and the other to Midway and cleaned out my car, went home and continued packing. I didn’t leave until 5 pm which was much later than I had planned but I don’t think I forgot anything major, just a hair dryer. The drive here was nice, just three hours and I stopped at Cracker Barrel for dinner. I have never been inside or eaten at a Cracker Barrel in my life. So I took the plunge. Very cute and quaint inside and the food was decent. The staff were all very young but very sweet. I made it to Kelly’s at 8:45 and we’ve been catching up ever since.

I’m so happy for my friend! She has beautiful children, a loving husband, a great home and a job. She radiates happiness and that’s what she’s always deserved. We lost touch for quite a while but I feel fortunate that we were able to reconnect and that she invited me into her home. I am fortunate enough to have friendships that are so strong that no matter how much time passes, we can pick up right where we left off. We’re going to spend tomorrow morning and early afternoon together before I head out to Memphis. The point of this trip for me (aside from seeing dear friends) is to learn something along the way; about myself and about life.

Today I saw a happy family, a healthy marriage and that there’s hope for relationships and love. Not all marriages end or end badly and it takes work but it also takes love; the kind of love that withstands the hardest moments and the daily grind. And I’ve learned that there isn’t always a direct path to what you want in life, the detours aren’t bad things, they are part of the journey………

the day before....

I'm excited and nervous and I couldn't sleep last night; kind of like when you were a kid and it was Christmas Eve and you couldn't wait for the morning to come. My first stop will actually be in Springfield, IL to visit my dear friend Kelly and meet her family. I've adjusted my route and I'm not going to stop in St. Louis but I am going to stop in Roswell, NM now. Maybe I'll see some aliens or true crazies! I've been looking at www.roadsideamerica.com to find the most unique attractions to see along the way. I appreciate the support I've received from my loving friends. I wish that my family was more supportive of me but my friends have become my family and as long as I have someone in my corner, I don't feel so scared.

I do believe in fate and that there are reasons for people coming in and out of your life at specific moments in time. And lately I've received a lot of signs that I can't ignore any more. If I let fear of the unknown rule my life again then this second chance will be wasted. I met my lovely Australian friend by chance one night in the bathroom of our favorite bar when I was crying. She showed me kindness and didn't have to so I am very grateful for her kind heart. We were discussing hopes and dreams and I told her about my dream of being a director. She asked what was holding me back from it now. I paused and she smiled and said, you are holding yourself back, just go and do it.

Sunday I went to Steppenwolf and saw "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" and absolutely loved it. Sometimes when I'm watching a show and the performance and script are particularly moving to me I get something that I call Tingly Face. It doesn't happen all of the time so when it does I know that this is important and I should pay attention and not let it slip away. Some people don't understand what I mean by Tingly Face, it's hard to explain if you've never had it. Basically at certain moments I feel every nerve, every cell, every single part of my face become electrified; not in a stun gun way but in a gentle but noticeable way that makes me smile so big and makes my heart flutter just enough. So I had Tingly Face and walked out of the show feeling great. I went to The Black Duck, sat at the bar and ordered a drink and some dinner.

I met a sweet young guy named Jack. He was very animated and talkative and we slipped very quickly and easily into a comfortable banter for quite some time. He called me Alice and I found that quite fitting since I'm going to embark on this epic journey. I then told him about my trip and he said, well Alice you're going down the rabbit hole and what will you find on the other side? I honestly don't know, but I can't wait to find out.

The Beginning

I love a good story and like every story, there's a beginning. I'm a dreamer, a romantic at heart. When I was young, I wanted to direct theatre and bring joy, laughter and emotional experiences to my audience. I graduated high school when I was 17 and left for college that night because I couldn't wait to start my life. I studied theatre at Illinois State University and had some amazing adventures, met forever friends and worked with gifted artists. I graduated ten years ago with lots of student loan debt. I had six months to find a paying job in theatre and basically I froze. I got scared and bailed; I made the easy choice but now I know that it wasn't the right choice for me. This is my second chance so I'm embracing it and running with it. I am back where I started ten years ago but I'm wiser for the experiences that I've had. Next week I am embarking on an Epic Journey from Chicago to LA and back. Along the way I will stop and see friends and family. I've been applying for jobs in each area in an effort to figure out what will make my soul sing. My plan is to drive to St. Louis, Memphis, New Orleans, Austin, Tucson, Phoenix, Los Angeles, Salt Lake City, Denver, Omaha, Minneapolis and then return home. Depending on the weather I might start in Minneapolis, but I won't know for sure until next week. I'm going to write about my travels and adventures and my goal is to have some clarity and direction when I'm done.....a job would be nice to but I'm not going to push it.