Epic Journey continued......one year later

True Love does not exist; it's an enduring myth that many people, myself included, believe in, hope for and desire. As a little girl I dreamed of my knight in shining armor, my prince charming who would come and save me and make me happy for the rest of my life. As an adult I have found that it is much easier for me to put everyone else's needs first. That way I didn't have to deal with my own needs and issues. So I went all in; I took the leap and I fell so very hard. Maybe I saw what I wanted to and ignored the warnings and problems. Maybe it was meant to be but only for a short time. Right now, in this moment I believe that none of it was ever real. And ultimately it was all my fault. I chose this; I put my life on hold; I made him and US the focus of my entire life. So now that it's over, I have no one to blame but myself. I put my journey on hold for a year. I chose someone else's happiness over mine again. I believed that we had true love, that it was meant to be and that it would last forever. So when it ends two weeks to the day of his homecoming, nothing seems real.

I allowed and excepted the insanity of a year long deployment,an internet stalker, a psychotic ex-wife, and judgmental hateful parents because I believed he was worth it; that WE were worth it. I moved back home to save money and get my life together so that I would be ready to move when he came home. I slept with a laptop in my bed for a year so that I could be there any time he needed or could talk. I negotiated two weeks of unpaid time off into my employment so that I could be with him when he was home on leave. I raised $1700 and made ornaments, candy cane reindeer, a Christmas tree, stocking and Santa hat so that every person in his unit could call home for Christmas. And I've put my health last and was sick from November through February with sinus infections, ear infections, and upper respiratory infections. I CHOSE ALL OF THAT. The hardest thing is accepting that it is over and that all of that time and the cards, emails, care packages were for nothing. I was nothing more than a glorified pen pal. I wanted it to be real.....I guess I forced it and pushed too hard. 

So all of the heartache of being separated, the hateful things that were said to me and about me, none of it mattered, none of it made a difference. At the end of this, I was not worth the fight, our love was not worth it. If it's "true love" you don't quit, you never give up and you don't throw someone away like garbage. You fight and you have each other's back always. I wasn't even worthy of closure in person. And the insanity of the ex-wife was welcomed back in as I was thrown out. Nothing I said or did made any difference at all. If it had, he wouldn't have allowed the crazy back in. As I've been told over and over again all year, I can't control what other people do......very true but a person can control what they do. For the last two weeks I've been trying to understand what went wrong, when it started to fail and what I did to make it end. I can't understand how a person can tell me that they dream of coming home from work and finding me and our son in the backyard playing, of growing old together, and then quit..just give up on me. When I asked about the non-refundable plane ticket for his homecoming, he looked me in the eyes and said "I don't want you there." 

In life there are somethings that you can't come back from, they change you forever and you will never be the same. I don't know much but I know this; I will never go all in again. I will never put my life on hold for anyone else. I will never sacrifice my wants and needs for someone else's. I have made peace with never having a child of my own and never being vulnerable again. Some may say that I'll feel differently in time and that everything will be fine. But it won't be and I know I won't feel differently. 

And now for the next chapter in my life.......