I got here Monday afternoon and I was excited and exhausted at the same time. The lack of sleep, driving and going out has finally caught up with me and I'm sick with a sinus infection. I'm staying with my friend Will who I haven't seen since high school. We've known each other since we were 11 and were great friends but things happen and it faded. We re-connected and again I feel like no time has passed between us at all. He's a kindred spirit, very insightful and kind as always. He's been the best guide and support I could have hoped for here. We've had very meaningful discussions, laughed, enjoyed the silence and I feel relaxed. I tend to focus my energy on everyone else so that I don't have to deal with me at all. I always feel guilty for taking time for me or telling someone I can't do exactly what they want me to do when they want me to do it. So this time is for me to take care of myself, to figure out what makes my soul sing and how to grab it and never let go.
I consider myself on the cusp of something great but there is major temptation for me to fall back into old, bad habits out of fear. There is a kind, wonderful man that loves me, picked me out of everyone else and I could let myself become swept away. I mean, what's so bad about being swept away by someone who loves you, right? Well the difference for me is I tend to lose myself in that other person and I make the choice to change who I am so I fit with that person better. I focus on their wants and needs and I put mine to the side, this is how I've always been but now I know I can't continue like that. I want to have meaningful, lasting relationships and the only way to do that is to spend time with me first. So I'm making the choice to work on me and to step back from everyone else. This is one of the hardest choices for me because I hate to hurt or disappoint the people who mean the most to me.
Last night I was out with Will and my friend Ben from college and I asked Ben if he was happy and if what he was doing made his soul sing. He asked me why it was so important to me that my friends are happy and on the same journey that I'm on. It's not that I want them to be on the same journey at all, but it is important that they are happy because I love my friends. I told Ben that I'm his cautionary tale and he should always be with people who pick him, who love him and he looked at me and said, "I pick you Val." So naturally I cried. It was a good cry because those words meant so much to me.
I had very vivid dreams last night; some made sense and some didn't. I've been holding on for dear life to a love that might not be real and I need to let it go. I've lived with too many "what if's" and that eats away at me so when the chance to reconnect to my "one that got away" came, I grabbed it. He told me he loved me and I believed it with every fiber of my being. I know in my head that the timing has never been right and we won't be together but the hopeless romantic in me still wanted to believe in miracles. And then there's this wonderful man who loves me and wants to be with me but he will be gone for the next year at war. I have feelings for him but I can't allow myself to be swept away because I can't make it back from a third heartbreak in less than a year. And it's so easy to be swept away but then I'm falling back into my old unhealthy patterns. I feel very lucky that he picked me but there's a part that feels it's too good to be true and he's made a mistake and will figure out that I'm not worthy.
I realized that I've spent my trip thinking about these men and worrying about them and not focusing enough on me. So I'm pulling back and taking some time and much needed space. It's hard for me to not feel guilty about that but for once, I pick me.
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