Time to know your worth.......

*****Disclaimer****There is implied sarcasm throughout this post so read at your own risk and you are expected to laugh at least once.

I don't like myself very much. I've never been a big fan of Val and I've always preferred to focus on everyone else so that I don't have to focus on me. But I've been throwing one hell of a pity party for myself since Feb 14th. The stages of grief have kicked my ass and every time I think I've conquered one, a wave of sadness knocks me out. I've been trying to fill the giant empty hole in my chest with handbags, shoes and jewelry but that didn't help so I moved on to chocolate and vodka. They make chocolate vodka now so that streamlined the process but still didn't help so logically I move on to men. I have managed to repel every man in the tri-state area within a matter of two weeks.

Clearly I am in no position to be dating anyone so I do feel bad for my recent victims i.e. dates. I've been trying to do things that make me happy without reminding me of the heartbreak and unbearable pain that is my "love life." I was going to a bar close to work to watch the Hawks games because that is something I enjoy. Due to my schedule, I miss most of the game but end up catching the last period. Clearly I have been going to this bar too much because the bartenders know me and what I drink. I pick up the only guy bartender there and we go on a date. While on said date I find out that Bartender is 23.....I knew he was younger but not that young. At the time I thought I covered my shock and awkwardness but as they say, hindsight is 20/20. I also thought we had a great time and we discussed going out again. Well that day came and went and I was blown off. I was confused but didn't let that detour me. So logically I go back to said bar the following Tuesday and awkwardly see Bartender. As I'm watching the Hawks lose a stranger across the bar buys me a drink.

I'm genuinely shocked by this because I still see myself as "Fat Funny Friend Val" and I put zero effort into wearing makeup or dressing up. Honestly I put more effort into getting ready when I'm going out with my girls. I ask the female bartender why someone bought me a drink and who and crack some other self deprecating jokes. Eventually I make my way to the stranger and thank him for the drink. He invites me to sit down so I do. We talked till they closed and I laughed so hard and it felt great to laugh. He told me about the "Great divorce of 2009" and I told him about the "Epic divorce and layoff of 2010" so clearly we were a match made in heaven! And to truly seal the deal I told him about my latest heartbreak. He looked at me and said, "So when are you going to realize your worth." I was completely dumbfounded. He said, "2012 should be the year that Val realizes her worth." Then he asked me if I wanted to go back to his hotel room and cuddle. I asked if that was a euphemism for sex and he said no. Of course I went back to his room and we did cuddle and that's when I started crying.....uncontrollably and he said it was ok and that I was going to be ok. I left and I will never see that man again because he doesn't live here and we didn't exchange info. It was a moment in time.

I should have taken that as a wake up but I continued on my train wreck ways. I go out with my brother when he's in town and I meet a guy. Now my brother means the world to me. I feel closest to him out of anyone in my family and he has always had my back and loved me no matter what. We're at a bar listening to an amazing band and I smiled at a guy. I don't know why but I did. Maybe it was his eyes. But we talked and I gave him my number and told him that we should go out the next day. Actually I think I made him go out with me, not really a request but a demand. And we did go out and again I thought we had a great time. We walked along Lake Michigan and talked and went to a couple of places and he asked if I wanted to go out one night this week after work and I asked if he wanted to go out for St. Paddy's Day so I thought it was great. So I waited. I sent him a text and he never replied. So I did something wrong. Last night I stop at the scene of my first crime to watch the game and I see Bartender and a stranger buys me a drink.

This time the guy is old enough to be my father but has kind eyes. So I sit with him and his friends and we laugh and talk. I remember, while sitting there, that the next day is my ex's daughter's birthday and I feel so sad because I love his kids and I wish I was there. The guy says something.....I don't remember what because I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts about him and us.....and I start to cry. This guy who just wanted my number is now witness to the train wreck that is me. I apologize and I leave. Last week I begged the man I love to take me back. I fell apart at work again and I begged. I asked him if there was any chance of us trying again, starting fresh and he said he didn't know but we would have a lot to talk about and now wasn't the time because I was at work. He told me three days in a row that he would call me and he didn't. He did send me a text telling me that his son wanted him to make the snacks I made for him and he couldn't remember one of the recipes. I gave it to him. I wished I never got that text because it hurt so much. So today I sent a text wishing his daughter a happy birthday and he said thanks and later on sent me a picture of him and his daughter celebrating her birthday. I fell apart again and cried and was sick to my stomach and so desperately wanting My Dear Sweet John back; the man I fell in love with and planned a life with. Again I ask him to talk to me about us and he replied with, "Aren't you at work?" and I said yes and the time I got off of work and he did not reply.

I don't know what is worse......the fact that he gave up on me and threw me away or the fact that nothing I said or did for the last year mattered at all. Nothing changed. I didn't matter at all. He is home and happy and I am alone. At this point everyone is sick of my sadness. I cried to my best friend tonight. She is literally the strongest person I know. She has faced grief and sadness that is so deep and strong and I am such an asshole to cry over being dumped to her. She sees things in me that no one else does, especially me. I have to keep telling myself something that she has said over and over again. Love does not talk like that. Love doesn't say fuck off and love doesn't tell you that it's all your fault, that you made me choose between you and my family, and love doesn't say that you are not my true love Val because you make me miserable and you argue with me.

Love, true love doesn't give up. True love doesn't look you in the eyes and say that there is no hope and they quit. A stranger in a bar showed me more respect and kindness than the man that I loved did. So I'm trying to recognize my worth. One day at a time.

Epic Journey continued......one year later

True Love does not exist; it's an enduring myth that many people, myself included, believe in, hope for and desire. As a little girl I dreamed of my knight in shining armor, my prince charming who would come and save me and make me happy for the rest of my life. As an adult I have found that it is much easier for me to put everyone else's needs first. That way I didn't have to deal with my own needs and issues. So I went all in; I took the leap and I fell so very hard. Maybe I saw what I wanted to and ignored the warnings and problems. Maybe it was meant to be but only for a short time. Right now, in this moment I believe that none of it was ever real. And ultimately it was all my fault. I chose this; I put my life on hold; I made him and US the focus of my entire life. So now that it's over, I have no one to blame but myself. I put my journey on hold for a year. I chose someone else's happiness over mine again. I believed that we had true love, that it was meant to be and that it would last forever. So when it ends two weeks to the day of his homecoming, nothing seems real.

I allowed and excepted the insanity of a year long deployment,an internet stalker, a psychotic ex-wife, and judgmental hateful parents because I believed he was worth it; that WE were worth it. I moved back home to save money and get my life together so that I would be ready to move when he came home. I slept with a laptop in my bed for a year so that I could be there any time he needed or could talk. I negotiated two weeks of unpaid time off into my employment so that I could be with him when he was home on leave. I raised $1700 and made ornaments, candy cane reindeer, a Christmas tree, stocking and Santa hat so that every person in his unit could call home for Christmas. And I've put my health last and was sick from November through February with sinus infections, ear infections, and upper respiratory infections. I CHOSE ALL OF THAT. The hardest thing is accepting that it is over and that all of that time and the cards, emails, care packages were for nothing. I was nothing more than a glorified pen pal. I wanted it to be real.....I guess I forced it and pushed too hard. 

So all of the heartache of being separated, the hateful things that were said to me and about me, none of it mattered, none of it made a difference. At the end of this, I was not worth the fight, our love was not worth it. If it's "true love" you don't quit, you never give up and you don't throw someone away like garbage. You fight and you have each other's back always. I wasn't even worthy of closure in person. And the insanity of the ex-wife was welcomed back in as I was thrown out. Nothing I said or did made any difference at all. If it had, he wouldn't have allowed the crazy back in. As I've been told over and over again all year, I can't control what other people do......very true but a person can control what they do. For the last two weeks I've been trying to understand what went wrong, when it started to fail and what I did to make it end. I can't understand how a person can tell me that they dream of coming home from work and finding me and our son in the backyard playing, of growing old together, and then quit..just give up on me. When I asked about the non-refundable plane ticket for his homecoming, he looked me in the eyes and said "I don't want you there." 

In life there are somethings that you can't come back from, they change you forever and you will never be the same. I don't know much but I know this; I will never go all in again. I will never put my life on hold for anyone else. I will never sacrifice my wants and needs for someone else's. I have made peace with never having a child of my own and never being vulnerable again. Some may say that I'll feel differently in time and that everything will be fine. But it won't be and I know I won't feel differently. 

And now for the next chapter in my life.......