Roselle, IL

Home.....for now.

I've been officially home for one week. Luckily I haven't had much down time to think or focus. I'm scared. I'll admit it. I don't have all of the answers I was looking for so my journey continues. I've been spending time with my dear friend who is deploying to Afghanistan for a year. I've been able to catch up with forever friends and I still have many more to see. So I'm very lucky to have so many people in my life that are true, forever friends that I need to catch up with. But I don't know what to tell them when they ask me, "So what did you learn from your journey? What are you going to do now?" My mother sent me an email and said, well now you have to seriously look for a job. I have been doing that but my heart hasn't been in it because Corporate America doesn't make my soul sing. I have one life to live so why am I wasting it? I spent the evening in tonight with my friend and I showed him my scripts from the plays I directed in college. I read my director's notes to him from "Zelda with a Z, Catherine with a C." At 19, I was pretty smart and my 19 year old self would kick my 31 year old self's ass right now.

I lost perspective. I'm fortunate to have it again. I worried about silly things and I let the things that matter most slip away. No more back burner to the things that make my soul sing. And I let fear run my life. I'm embracing the things that scare the ever living shit out of me. Go big or go home, right? I say game on life, give me your best shot. I will take whatever comes and run with it.

Omaha

I know I'm past due.....I've never been good at deadlines, even self imposed ones. I spent last weekend in Omaha visiting my Aunt and Uncle on my mother's side. It was very nice and relaxing. We went to a basketball game and watched my cousin play drums in the pep band. I remember when he was born. I changed his diapers and I babysat him and now he's a grown man going to college and he's brilliant. I felt so old at that game but I had so much fun. My Aunt has always been so supportive and loving and I could tell her anything. She worried that I was bored and that she wasn't a good hostess but honestly I was happy that it was a laid back weekend. It was wonderful having time to decompress before I came home. I was scared to come home because I didn't have that "A HA" moment. I'm a dreamer and I believe in happy endings so there was a part of me that thought I would have a moment on the road when I would just know that this was the place I was meant to be and I would know what to do with the rest of my life. But I didn't have that. I know that I'm not cut out for Corporate America even though I spent the last ten years there. I love kids but don't have any of my own so I know I want to work with kids and give back. If I move I will move someplace warm but I'm not cut out for LA. So I think it'd be Arizona but I'm not completely sold.

I know that happiness needs come from within and my surroundings are just a bonus but not a deciding factor. But what makes my soul sing? The last time I felt complete was in college when I was directing. Can I survive on that alone? No, I have to be realistic. Theatre is and will always be my passion. I was so lucky to have phenomenal teachers who inspired me and helped me grow as an artist and a person. Maybe I can be that person to someone else. I've been home for 6 days and I've been avoiding responsibility completely. My dear friend flew in from North Carolina to spend time with me so I've been focusing on him. Tonight I went to a party for a wonderful woman celebrating her 40th birthday (which is insane because she can out party me and anyone else I know any day of the week and doesn't look a day over 30). I sat there catching up with friends an former co-workers and I realized that it's ok to not have all of the answers right now. My journey wasn't in vain, it was truly epic. I had time to think about the big picture and process the last year's events. For the first time in my life, I have enjoyed being alone. That is HUGE because I've always hated being alone and have surrounded myself with people for that reason.

Driving on the open road was so liberating and I wasn't afraid. I have let fear run my life for so long that I didn't know what it was like to live otherwise. So now I'm making a change. I don't have all of the answers but I know that my Epic Journey is not over. I am traveling more but it doesn't mean that my discoveries only come from travel. So I'm going to continue writing an discovering for myself. If someone reads it and gains a new perspective that's great but this is for me. This is my selfish act. I pick me and the most important relationship I can ever have is with myself. If I don't love me, how can I expect someone else to love me?

To be continued........

Denver, CO

My brief torrid hate-love relationship with Denver.......

Denver made me cry; and not just teary-eyed but full out bawling in my car out of frustration and exhaustion. I left Utah still feeling sick but no longer at death's door and headed to Denver Thursday morning. The drive was ascetically pleasing but the mountains did a number on the pressure in my head. I was tired and crabby by the time I got to Denver but I planned on checking into a hotel, freshening up and then going out. I know one person there but I hadn't seen him in at least 15 years, but I contacted him anyway. My lovely friend Kelly hooked me up with two of her friends and I was going to meet up with them to see a band and have drinks. I was looking forward to exploring the city and getting some much needed sleep.

Unfortunately the roads in Denver and the traffic was horrible and it took me two hours to get downtown to Colfax Ave. At this point I haven't heard from Kelly's friends, my friend has to work and I don't have a hotel room yet. Now I take responsibility for "winging it" with the hotel situation but I wasn't worried because I thought I had plenty of time and I could get recommendations from my friend and Kelly's people. I drove around looking for a hotel and trying to google on my cell to find out rates and I got lost. I have a GPS but I still managed to get lost. I pulled over and a valet came over and asked if I was picking someone up. I hadn't realized that I stopped in front of  a bar or something. I asked him for the nearest hotel and he recommend The Jet. I went there but found it difficult to find parking so I went into a parking garage half a block down. I did call the hotel and made sure they had open rooms but they were having a fashion show/party and I was told that the cheaper rooms were closer to the noise and it wouldn't be quiet till after 1:30am. Great, at this point I need to pee and eat something so I don't care anymore. In the middle of this, Kelly's friend calls me and I'm totally stressing because I'm trying not to get hit by the idiot in front of me or the jerk behind me. She forgot her phone at home and didn't get my message until late and it didn't work out for us to meet up. I was bummed out but things happen and I realized that this wasn't my night.  I paid and parked 2 levels down and proceeded to carry my awkward and heavy bags to the hotel. It had just snowed two days earlier so the sidewalks and streets sucked. The hotel looked more like a club than a hotel and there were a bunch of people milling about outside staring at me struggling with my luggage. I finally made it into the "hotel" and couldn't find anyone who actually worked there. The bartender was too busy and incredibly rude and I stood by the coat check desk for about 20 mins before I gave up.

I did ask quite a few people if they worked there or could help me and they looked at me like I was the nerdiest alien being ever. Completely annoyed and pissed off, I left and made my way back to the car in the depths of the parking garage. It's almost 8pm and I start crying. I can't help it. The tears flow and the cold air stings my cheeks; I don't care how bad I look or that people are staring at me, I need to let it out. I make it back to my car and I leave. I started calling other hotels and asking for rates. I cried even harder when I heard how expensive they were. Again, my fault for not planning ahead. I settled on the Warwick because it was the closest and the cheapest out of the five downtown hotels I called. I pulled up and the bellman came out, very sweet young guy and he took my heavy luggage inside and instead of charging me $26 for valet, he told me the meter spots across the street were free till 9am. I started to feel a little bit better. I'd also stopped crying at this point but I looked pretty gross.

The girl at the front desk was very sweet and smart because she picked up right away that I was having a horrible night. I told her I hated Denver and I just needed a room. I proceeded to tell her about my night and she said she'd just moved there and loved it and was going to change my mind. She gave me a discount, upgraded me to a suite, gave me tips on where to go and eat and gave me free wi-fi and coupons. I almost cried again but this time out of relief and gratitude. I'm "that" girl who cries when someone, especially a stranger, is nice to me. I made it up to the room and it was amazing. I actually considered staying longer just so I could spend more time in that room! It was a mini Pretty Woman experience for me. I got cleaned up and took myself out to a fancy dinner. I met up with my friend after he got off of work and had a great time chatting and laughing. The next day I checked out after having a fantastic room service breakfast and I went exploring for a bit. I was still tired and not motivated to drive yet. I walked around to a few shops and I grabbed lunch at the Cherry Cricket which has the most phenomenal burgers ever! I felt better in the morning and regretted the anger I had for Denver the night before.

Denver and I broke up before we even started and then I put Denver in the friend zone so it's not even an option anymore to move there and have a true relationship. I will visit Denver again, but I can't commit to living there now that we have a past. Part of me was frustrated that I hadn't figured everything out by the time I got to Denver and I punished Denver for that. I was starting to worry and fear that my Epic Journey was a fail because I didn't have my "A Ha" moment when a ray of light from the heavens shined down on me and I just knew what my next career move and living situation would be. I've learned lessons that are important but don't give me definitive answers. As I drove away from Denver, I realized that my geographical location is not what will make me happy; I need to be happy with me and then I can be happy anywhere............

On to Omaha, last stop before home.

Layton, UT

Family History

I have chronic sinusitis which means I get 5-6 heinous sinus infections every year and I have to take heavy duty antibiotics to knock them out. I've seen a ridiculous amount of ENTs through the years and my current specialist is by far the best. His approach is very direct and dry which I appreciate. I went to him about three years ago, had more CT scans done and he told me flat out that he knows exactly where the problem is but he won't fix it. I was taken aback. He continued to say that the surgery to fix my sinus issue isn't very successful and it's more likely that he would blind me. I told him I prefer to keep my sight. So we have an arrangement; I see him once a year and he calls prescriptions in for the rest of the year for me.  

I got sick in Phoenix and by the time I got to LA it was full blown antibiotic time. My doctor did his part and called in a prescription. I did my part and took it for 10 days. The antibiotic slacked off and didn't work. I left Vegas and headed to the Salt Lake City area of Utah and felt like my face was going to explode and I couldn't breathe. I didn't make it to my Aunt and Uncle's house on Monday. I made it to Cedar City, UT and spent the night in a hotel. My plan was to get off the road and sleep early so that I was well rested in the morning. Sleep did not come; but congestion and dry air where with me the whole night. I made it to Layton, UT on Tuesday after 4pm. I felt awful and had called my doctor that morning looking for an antibiotic that would actually work. I hadn't seen some of my cousins in almost 20 years and I was looking forward to getting to know them and catching up with family. 

Growing up I very rarely saw my Dad's side of the family. As an adult it makes me sad to know that I missed out on so much. I'm very close to my Mom's side of the family but most of them are in IL and we see them all the time. I wish that I had been there for my cousins in Utah, California and Kansas the way I was for my cousins on my Mom's side of the family. I was sitting on my Aunt and Uncle's couch waiting for them to get off of work and I felt so guilty for imposing on them AND being nasty-sick at the same time. But they welcomed me and made me feel like I belonged. I spent a lot of time with my cousins, Tiffany and Aimee who were babies when I last saw them. I loved spending time with everyone and I learned so much about my family. It was bittersweet; part of me felt guilty for not knowing and not being there. I'm so glad I got to know everyone and hear stories about the family from back in the day. Aimee is so funny, witty and animated. Tiffany has a tender, loving heart and we have a lot in common. 

Here's what I learned in Utah. I've been holding onto anger about things from the past and there's no benefit to me in doing that, just more anger. Letting go of the anger doesn't mean that you forget, it means you can move on. My Aunt and Uncle are so strong and have endless love for their family that they will do anything to help someone out. My brother and I were talking about it today and he said they are herders; taking in the lost and guiding them in the right direction. I admire them and I'm very lucky that they are my family. I wish I hadn't missed so much though. Even though I didn't see them much when I was growing up, they were always loving and supportive when I did see them. I'm so grateful for the support they've given me during my divorce and during my Epic Journey. 

My last night in Utah, I sat up with Tiffany, Aimee and Aunt Debbie and we talked until 2 am. They told me stories about the family that I'd never heard before and I told them my favorite Uncle Tom story. When I was a little girl I used to think that my Uncle Tom was Tom Petty. They kinda look a like and Uncle Tom was on the road a lot, lived in California and my Dad listened to Tom Petty a lot so it made sense in my mind. Uncle Tom owns a moving business, does not sing with The Heartbreakers and now resides in Utah. So I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, I was a kid!Aunt Debbie and the girls told me about our relatives, some I'd met and others I hadn't. It made me sad that I'm 31 and I never knew these things about my family. Some of the stories were very sad and hard to hear but some were very funny and we laughed together. I needed to hear all of them and spend that time getting to know my family, not "my Dad's side of the family."

I'm glad I visited MY family and this time I won't let another 20 years go by before I see them again. 

What happens in Vegas.......

The saying is not true at all. I went to Vegas by myself and I had a blast. I partied hard but I was safe. The week in LA was great but I was too distracted with affairs of the heart. I decided to let loose in Vegas and have fun. I'd only been there once and I was 16 so that doesn't count. I stayed at Bally's and went out on the town and met.....wait for it....Military Men! Shocking, I know. I think that's my talent, finding the emotionally and geographically unavailable but handsome in uniform men. Dinner at Bellagio + dancing at the Playboy club + walking around the Venetian  with a cute air force guy = a wonderful night! I wanted to escape and have fun, a night for ME. The air force guy (we'll call him Flyboy) was wasted and professed his love for me and asked me to marry him. It was ridiculous and totally Vegas. I declined but I did laugh, maybe not the nicest thing but that was my initial reaction. We wended up talking quite a bit (even though we were wasted) about serious things in our lives and we cried. I was sitting in the casino in Bally's crying with a perfect stranger. So for that moment in time, we connected through pain and gave each other hope and an escape.

I met a lot of different people in Vegas but only Flyboy made an impression. My plan was to stay one night but that changed when I woke up. I walked around Vegas during the day and explored. I had a great lunch and met a very animated bartender. I didn't gamble at all but I spent quite a bit to see "Peep Show" with Holly Madison. For an extra fee, I got to meet Holly after the show, take a picture with her and get her autograph. The show was interesting.....the singing and dancing was fantastic and I loved the costumes. I met Holly for maybe 2 minutes but I told her about my epic journey and she said that we all need that from time to time. I could have spent a week there going to shows and having fabulous dinners but I know I can't live there. So I moved on to my next stop, Layton, UT to see my Uncle Tom, Aunt Debbie and all of my cousins and their kids.

Next up.....Layton, UT!