ISU homecoming...2/17...quadrophonics

I went back to ISU for the first time since my graduation on Feb 17th with my dear Sister friend Robin. We drove down to see Terry Kinney and Jeff Perry speak, (two of the founding members of Steppenwolf) because they were being honored. The entire day was surreal but so amazing!! We got there early and I almost physically ran into them as I came out of the bathroom (now that's a classic Val story). We were 3 rows from them and we saw our dear friend Adam Fox aka Foxy. He's a teacher at ISU and it blew my mind because he's all growed up and students look up to him so he's a real adult!!! I have yet to reach that level but I totally respect Foxy. After listening to these great men speak and answer questions, Robin and I agreed that it would have been very beneficial to hear that 10 years ago but better late than never.

After the talk, Foxy took us on a tour of our old stomping grounds which have changed completely. Words cannot describe how amazing I felt being with friends and in a place that helped me grow so much. We ended up in Room 207 which will always have a special place in my heart. We produced "Zelda with a Z, Catherine with a C" in that room, and it was just as we left it. The last 10 years have been a journey but going back to the ISU theatre department was like going home. Just the smell of it brought tears to my eyes. So here we are, Robin, Foxy and me in room 207 and we're talking about our lives and where we are now. Foxy works with students and it may not be apparent right away but he is influencing and inspiring the next generation of theatre in the Midwest. Robin tells us the best story ever; her beautiful, creative daughter and an assignment for school to write about the jobs that everyone in her family has. She wrote that she takes out garbage, her Dad makes pizza (he owns a restaurant that is fantastic) and that her Mom raises money to save babies. That brings tears to my eyes every time I hear the story or think of it. Robin volunteers with SIDS of IL to raise awareness and funds, but that's not her full time job. From the mouths of babes......

And then there's me. I let fear run my life; I ran away and I don't have anything to show for it. I sat there and I felt joy for my friends and their success. We left ISU and drove back to Robin's house. We've been talking about starting our own theatre company and she scoped out a space for us so she drove me to it. The Roxy in downtown Lockport. We parked infront and got out of the car. The lights were on inside and I tried the doors. The first one was locked but the second one was opened. I didn't hesitant, I walked right in and for the first time in along time, I had no fear. I saw a young man cleaning and I asked him who was in charge; who could I talk to in order to use the space. There was another man there working and he assisted us. I explained that my business partner and I would like to use this space for our theatre company and he gave us contact information. He also gave us a brief history of the space and was very encouraging and kind.

We left the space and I felt like I'd come full circle as a person. I concurred my fear and came back to my passion. So I am embracing this very rare opportunity. Robin and I are starting Shandy House Theatre Company and we will succeed!!! I am a blessed woman because I have friends who are family and share my passions and loves. Everything happens for a reason. People come in and out of your life for a reason and the ones that mean the most never really leave. Even if you push them away and you make mistakes, they are still waiting in the wings to pick you up, love you and forgive you. Thank God for them. Thank God for Robin.

Fear....how it can run your life

I've been slacking a lot on this blog but now I'm making amends and sharing my latest experiences but also recognizing what those experiences mean. This will take many posts and I honestly don't expect anyone to read this at all. If you do that's great but if not, it's still serving it's purpose for me. Getting it out on paper or print helps me to digest and understand what's happened, how I reacted and what this means for me. I got home from my road trip and John Michael came to visit. In the past I haven't made the best relationship choices and going through a divorce, amicable or not, makes a person gun shy. I worked so hard to push this man away, keep him at arms length and set up barriers and rules. No feelings, no labels, no restrictions but most of all, absolutely no love. I laid down those rules and that wasn't what John wanted but he stuck around. I am a romantic, a dreamer and I believe in fairy tales. Meeting John in person showed me that the spark on the phone, email, IM, text was real. But I let myself get carried away in the story before and it ended in tragedy.

It's the beginning of February, I can't give up on love but don't want to be vulnerable or hurt. So I put up my walls. This is the third time I've seen this man, countless emails, texts, IMs and phone conversations have occurred and this man tells me he loves me. In typical Val Style, I tried to bolt. Initially I had that warm, fluttery feeling in my chest and I swore my brain screamed "YES" but the rational part of me said "No you can't do this, you're making the same mistake again and it will only end in heartbreak. You can't come back from a third heartbreak in less than a year!" So I believed my brain and I fought against my heart and against John's love and kindness for me. Looking back on it, I was being completely stupid and stubborn. But in that moment I felt backed against a wall by my brain and my heart and I went into survival mode. Each time John and I visited, we had so much fun. We laughed, we could talk about anything and everything, we had passion and excitement. In my moment of freak out I forgot about those times. But John took everything in stride and he did things for me that no one has ever done for me in my entire life.

This man made me 12 origami roses and a vase for Valentine's Day and sprayed the flowers with his cologne. He was the first man in my 31 years who EVER cooked for me AND he surprised me with food. Everyone knows that I LOVE food and this man can throw down! He made me biscuits and gravy, eggs and hash browns and Ahi Tuna dinner steaks. I mentioned that I wanted waffles but I didn't have a waffle iron so while I was sleeping, this wonderful man went out and bought a belgian waffle maker, fresh fruit and whipped cream. He surprised me with breakfast in bed. That was mind blowing!!!! When I was in marriage counseling I made a list of the qualities of my ideal partner and what my ideal relationship would look like. I see those qualities in John and it scares me to death. Not scares the shit out of me because for a long time I couldn't go when I was around him, that's painful, just sayin'. But I digress

I've heard many theories on how to tell a person is genuine and good but I still believe in that gut feeling. And watching that person sleep. Someone said you can tell a lot about a person by their hands. I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they sleep; do they talk in their sleep, do they toss and turn, do they have a peaceful look or a disturbed look? I watched John sleep and I felt at peace. He is the only man I've ever been able to cuddle with, fall asleep and stay asleep with and feel at peace and safe. So I had to search my soul and decide what's right for me, not for everyone else but just for me. That is when I recognized that I survived my divorce and my heartbreak from the "One Who Got Away" and I am better for having gone through all of that. So why am I holding back and not trying? If I try and it doesn't work out, at least I tried and I won't have regrets. So I took a leap of faith off the edge of what felt like a huge, never ending cliff. I told myself that I don't need anyone to catch me, I can pick myself up and keep going.

So I took the leap and I am so very blessed. Some people in my life criticized me for "rushing or moving too soon". I wasn't aware that there was a standardized clock for moving on and getting over pain. So I am still picking me first, but I'm letting someone else be there with me. It's scary but if I don't take the risk, I'd have another "what if" and I have enough of that.

So here's to my Dear Sweet John, thank you for showing me kindness. You are my Prince Charming.

Roselle, IL

Home.....for now.

I've been officially home for one week. Luckily I haven't had much down time to think or focus. I'm scared. I'll admit it. I don't have all of the answers I was looking for so my journey continues. I've been spending time with my dear friend who is deploying to Afghanistan for a year. I've been able to catch up with forever friends and I still have many more to see. So I'm very lucky to have so many people in my life that are true, forever friends that I need to catch up with. But I don't know what to tell them when they ask me, "So what did you learn from your journey? What are you going to do now?" My mother sent me an email and said, well now you have to seriously look for a job. I have been doing that but my heart hasn't been in it because Corporate America doesn't make my soul sing. I have one life to live so why am I wasting it? I spent the evening in tonight with my friend and I showed him my scripts from the plays I directed in college. I read my director's notes to him from "Zelda with a Z, Catherine with a C." At 19, I was pretty smart and my 19 year old self would kick my 31 year old self's ass right now.

I lost perspective. I'm fortunate to have it again. I worried about silly things and I let the things that matter most slip away. No more back burner to the things that make my soul sing. And I let fear run my life. I'm embracing the things that scare the ever living shit out of me. Go big or go home, right? I say game on life, give me your best shot. I will take whatever comes and run with it.

Omaha

I know I'm past due.....I've never been good at deadlines, even self imposed ones. I spent last weekend in Omaha visiting my Aunt and Uncle on my mother's side. It was very nice and relaxing. We went to a basketball game and watched my cousin play drums in the pep band. I remember when he was born. I changed his diapers and I babysat him and now he's a grown man going to college and he's brilliant. I felt so old at that game but I had so much fun. My Aunt has always been so supportive and loving and I could tell her anything. She worried that I was bored and that she wasn't a good hostess but honestly I was happy that it was a laid back weekend. It was wonderful having time to decompress before I came home. I was scared to come home because I didn't have that "A HA" moment. I'm a dreamer and I believe in happy endings so there was a part of me that thought I would have a moment on the road when I would just know that this was the place I was meant to be and I would know what to do with the rest of my life. But I didn't have that. I know that I'm not cut out for Corporate America even though I spent the last ten years there. I love kids but don't have any of my own so I know I want to work with kids and give back. If I move I will move someplace warm but I'm not cut out for LA. So I think it'd be Arizona but I'm not completely sold.

I know that happiness needs come from within and my surroundings are just a bonus but not a deciding factor. But what makes my soul sing? The last time I felt complete was in college when I was directing. Can I survive on that alone? No, I have to be realistic. Theatre is and will always be my passion. I was so lucky to have phenomenal teachers who inspired me and helped me grow as an artist and a person. Maybe I can be that person to someone else. I've been home for 6 days and I've been avoiding responsibility completely. My dear friend flew in from North Carolina to spend time with me so I've been focusing on him. Tonight I went to a party for a wonderful woman celebrating her 40th birthday (which is insane because she can out party me and anyone else I know any day of the week and doesn't look a day over 30). I sat there catching up with friends an former co-workers and I realized that it's ok to not have all of the answers right now. My journey wasn't in vain, it was truly epic. I had time to think about the big picture and process the last year's events. For the first time in my life, I have enjoyed being alone. That is HUGE because I've always hated being alone and have surrounded myself with people for that reason.

Driving on the open road was so liberating and I wasn't afraid. I have let fear run my life for so long that I didn't know what it was like to live otherwise. So now I'm making a change. I don't have all of the answers but I know that my Epic Journey is not over. I am traveling more but it doesn't mean that my discoveries only come from travel. So I'm going to continue writing an discovering for myself. If someone reads it and gains a new perspective that's great but this is for me. This is my selfish act. I pick me and the most important relationship I can ever have is with myself. If I don't love me, how can I expect someone else to love me?

To be continued........

Denver, CO

My brief torrid hate-love relationship with Denver.......

Denver made me cry; and not just teary-eyed but full out bawling in my car out of frustration and exhaustion. I left Utah still feeling sick but no longer at death's door and headed to Denver Thursday morning. The drive was ascetically pleasing but the mountains did a number on the pressure in my head. I was tired and crabby by the time I got to Denver but I planned on checking into a hotel, freshening up and then going out. I know one person there but I hadn't seen him in at least 15 years, but I contacted him anyway. My lovely friend Kelly hooked me up with two of her friends and I was going to meet up with them to see a band and have drinks. I was looking forward to exploring the city and getting some much needed sleep.

Unfortunately the roads in Denver and the traffic was horrible and it took me two hours to get downtown to Colfax Ave. At this point I haven't heard from Kelly's friends, my friend has to work and I don't have a hotel room yet. Now I take responsibility for "winging it" with the hotel situation but I wasn't worried because I thought I had plenty of time and I could get recommendations from my friend and Kelly's people. I drove around looking for a hotel and trying to google on my cell to find out rates and I got lost. I have a GPS but I still managed to get lost. I pulled over and a valet came over and asked if I was picking someone up. I hadn't realized that I stopped in front of  a bar or something. I asked him for the nearest hotel and he recommend The Jet. I went there but found it difficult to find parking so I went into a parking garage half a block down. I did call the hotel and made sure they had open rooms but they were having a fashion show/party and I was told that the cheaper rooms were closer to the noise and it wouldn't be quiet till after 1:30am. Great, at this point I need to pee and eat something so I don't care anymore. In the middle of this, Kelly's friend calls me and I'm totally stressing because I'm trying not to get hit by the idiot in front of me or the jerk behind me. She forgot her phone at home and didn't get my message until late and it didn't work out for us to meet up. I was bummed out but things happen and I realized that this wasn't my night.  I paid and parked 2 levels down and proceeded to carry my awkward and heavy bags to the hotel. It had just snowed two days earlier so the sidewalks and streets sucked. The hotel looked more like a club than a hotel and there were a bunch of people milling about outside staring at me struggling with my luggage. I finally made it into the "hotel" and couldn't find anyone who actually worked there. The bartender was too busy and incredibly rude and I stood by the coat check desk for about 20 mins before I gave up.

I did ask quite a few people if they worked there or could help me and they looked at me like I was the nerdiest alien being ever. Completely annoyed and pissed off, I left and made my way back to the car in the depths of the parking garage. It's almost 8pm and I start crying. I can't help it. The tears flow and the cold air stings my cheeks; I don't care how bad I look or that people are staring at me, I need to let it out. I make it back to my car and I leave. I started calling other hotels and asking for rates. I cried even harder when I heard how expensive they were. Again, my fault for not planning ahead. I settled on the Warwick because it was the closest and the cheapest out of the five downtown hotels I called. I pulled up and the bellman came out, very sweet young guy and he took my heavy luggage inside and instead of charging me $26 for valet, he told me the meter spots across the street were free till 9am. I started to feel a little bit better. I'd also stopped crying at this point but I looked pretty gross.

The girl at the front desk was very sweet and smart because she picked up right away that I was having a horrible night. I told her I hated Denver and I just needed a room. I proceeded to tell her about my night and she said she'd just moved there and loved it and was going to change my mind. She gave me a discount, upgraded me to a suite, gave me tips on where to go and eat and gave me free wi-fi and coupons. I almost cried again but this time out of relief and gratitude. I'm "that" girl who cries when someone, especially a stranger, is nice to me. I made it up to the room and it was amazing. I actually considered staying longer just so I could spend more time in that room! It was a mini Pretty Woman experience for me. I got cleaned up and took myself out to a fancy dinner. I met up with my friend after he got off of work and had a great time chatting and laughing. The next day I checked out after having a fantastic room service breakfast and I went exploring for a bit. I was still tired and not motivated to drive yet. I walked around to a few shops and I grabbed lunch at the Cherry Cricket which has the most phenomenal burgers ever! I felt better in the morning and regretted the anger I had for Denver the night before.

Denver and I broke up before we even started and then I put Denver in the friend zone so it's not even an option anymore to move there and have a true relationship. I will visit Denver again, but I can't commit to living there now that we have a past. Part of me was frustrated that I hadn't figured everything out by the time I got to Denver and I punished Denver for that. I was starting to worry and fear that my Epic Journey was a fail because I didn't have my "A Ha" moment when a ray of light from the heavens shined down on me and I just knew what my next career move and living situation would be. I've learned lessons that are important but don't give me definitive answers. As I drove away from Denver, I realized that my geographical location is not what will make me happy; I need to be happy with me and then I can be happy anywhere............

On to Omaha, last stop before home.

Layton, UT

Family History

I have chronic sinusitis which means I get 5-6 heinous sinus infections every year and I have to take heavy duty antibiotics to knock them out. I've seen a ridiculous amount of ENTs through the years and my current specialist is by far the best. His approach is very direct and dry which I appreciate. I went to him about three years ago, had more CT scans done and he told me flat out that he knows exactly where the problem is but he won't fix it. I was taken aback. He continued to say that the surgery to fix my sinus issue isn't very successful and it's more likely that he would blind me. I told him I prefer to keep my sight. So we have an arrangement; I see him once a year and he calls prescriptions in for the rest of the year for me.  

I got sick in Phoenix and by the time I got to LA it was full blown antibiotic time. My doctor did his part and called in a prescription. I did my part and took it for 10 days. The antibiotic slacked off and didn't work. I left Vegas and headed to the Salt Lake City area of Utah and felt like my face was going to explode and I couldn't breathe. I didn't make it to my Aunt and Uncle's house on Monday. I made it to Cedar City, UT and spent the night in a hotel. My plan was to get off the road and sleep early so that I was well rested in the morning. Sleep did not come; but congestion and dry air where with me the whole night. I made it to Layton, UT on Tuesday after 4pm. I felt awful and had called my doctor that morning looking for an antibiotic that would actually work. I hadn't seen some of my cousins in almost 20 years and I was looking forward to getting to know them and catching up with family. 

Growing up I very rarely saw my Dad's side of the family. As an adult it makes me sad to know that I missed out on so much. I'm very close to my Mom's side of the family but most of them are in IL and we see them all the time. I wish that I had been there for my cousins in Utah, California and Kansas the way I was for my cousins on my Mom's side of the family. I was sitting on my Aunt and Uncle's couch waiting for them to get off of work and I felt so guilty for imposing on them AND being nasty-sick at the same time. But they welcomed me and made me feel like I belonged. I spent a lot of time with my cousins, Tiffany and Aimee who were babies when I last saw them. I loved spending time with everyone and I learned so much about my family. It was bittersweet; part of me felt guilty for not knowing and not being there. I'm so glad I got to know everyone and hear stories about the family from back in the day. Aimee is so funny, witty and animated. Tiffany has a tender, loving heart and we have a lot in common. 

Here's what I learned in Utah. I've been holding onto anger about things from the past and there's no benefit to me in doing that, just more anger. Letting go of the anger doesn't mean that you forget, it means you can move on. My Aunt and Uncle are so strong and have endless love for their family that they will do anything to help someone out. My brother and I were talking about it today and he said they are herders; taking in the lost and guiding them in the right direction. I admire them and I'm very lucky that they are my family. I wish I hadn't missed so much though. Even though I didn't see them much when I was growing up, they were always loving and supportive when I did see them. I'm so grateful for the support they've given me during my divorce and during my Epic Journey. 

My last night in Utah, I sat up with Tiffany, Aimee and Aunt Debbie and we talked until 2 am. They told me stories about the family that I'd never heard before and I told them my favorite Uncle Tom story. When I was a little girl I used to think that my Uncle Tom was Tom Petty. They kinda look a like and Uncle Tom was on the road a lot, lived in California and my Dad listened to Tom Petty a lot so it made sense in my mind. Uncle Tom owns a moving business, does not sing with The Heartbreakers and now resides in Utah. So I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, I was a kid!Aunt Debbie and the girls told me about our relatives, some I'd met and others I hadn't. It made me sad that I'm 31 and I never knew these things about my family. Some of the stories were very sad and hard to hear but some were very funny and we laughed together. I needed to hear all of them and spend that time getting to know my family, not "my Dad's side of the family."

I'm glad I visited MY family and this time I won't let another 20 years go by before I see them again. 

What happens in Vegas.......

The saying is not true at all. I went to Vegas by myself and I had a blast. I partied hard but I was safe. The week in LA was great but I was too distracted with affairs of the heart. I decided to let loose in Vegas and have fun. I'd only been there once and I was 16 so that doesn't count. I stayed at Bally's and went out on the town and met.....wait for it....Military Men! Shocking, I know. I think that's my talent, finding the emotionally and geographically unavailable but handsome in uniform men. Dinner at Bellagio + dancing at the Playboy club + walking around the Venetian  with a cute air force guy = a wonderful night! I wanted to escape and have fun, a night for ME. The air force guy (we'll call him Flyboy) was wasted and professed his love for me and asked me to marry him. It was ridiculous and totally Vegas. I declined but I did laugh, maybe not the nicest thing but that was my initial reaction. We wended up talking quite a bit (even though we were wasted) about serious things in our lives and we cried. I was sitting in the casino in Bally's crying with a perfect stranger. So for that moment in time, we connected through pain and gave each other hope and an escape.

I met a lot of different people in Vegas but only Flyboy made an impression. My plan was to stay one night but that changed when I woke up. I walked around Vegas during the day and explored. I had a great lunch and met a very animated bartender. I didn't gamble at all but I spent quite a bit to see "Peep Show" with Holly Madison. For an extra fee, I got to meet Holly after the show, take a picture with her and get her autograph. The show was interesting.....the singing and dancing was fantastic and I loved the costumes. I met Holly for maybe 2 minutes but I told her about my epic journey and she said that we all need that from time to time. I could have spent a week there going to shows and having fabulous dinners but I know I can't live there. So I moved on to my next stop, Layton, UT to see my Uncle Tom, Aunt Debbie and all of my cousins and their kids.

Next up.....Layton, UT!

Los Angeles - part two

I left Los Angeles and as I drove to Las Vegas I reflected on my trip and the lessons learned there. My epic journey will not be finished when I get back to Chicago, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up and I haven't had the "a ha" moment yet. The "a ha" moment is what I've been expecting to happen when I get to the place that I'm supposed to live. Maybe that's unrealistic and silly but I am a dreamer and I love a good story. I can't wait to find out how this chapter ends and the next begins in my life. I spent the week with wonderful people and I'm so very lucky to have friends that are so caring and loving. Will is so insightful and wise beyond his years. Ben has a kind heart and makes me laugh till I cry and maybe pee a little (Ben you seriously need to be a stand up comedian). Sarah is so strong and caring. We had a lovely dinner and wonderful conversation. Through Sarah I reconnected with Mychela. Sarah and I went to college together and she knows Mychela through Chicago theatre and I went to high school with Mychela. And I met Lilly and Rui through my dear Tanya.

Lilly and Rui are fabulous, so successful and confident; very much what I would like to be. We went for drinks and discussed our lives and goals. Lilly is driven and passionate. I admire her for her drive and determination. Rui does many things in the industry and as we were talking I asked him if he was happy. He said, "That's a great question; I don't know." That stunned me! Here's a man who produces films, has his own record label and is successful but he doesn't know if he's happy. How very sad. I told them about my journey and some of the experiences I've had along the way and Rui said, "Well you're more successful than I am." I asked him why and he said, because you're taking a risk and impacting people's lives. But everyone you meet has some impact on your life, it's up to you to recognize it. He went on to say that producing a 3 minute song doesn't impact a child like passing out Christmas presents to needy kids does. I said, how do you know that? That song could inspire that child to write, sing, play an instrument, be courageous and do what's in their heart.

We went to the Chateau Marmont and had a few drinks and people watched. Rui told me I'm too wholesome for LA and I need to go home. I laughed but I know that even though my wonderful friends are there and the weather is beautiful, LA is not where I'm supposed to be. The pretentious young agents trying too hard to command the room and look cool at the same time made me feel really good about myself. I actually felt like one of the most secure people in that room because I didn't care if anyone talked to me or looked at me, I was comfortable in my own skin. That's HUGE for me because for most of my life, I haven't liked myself very much and I certainly haven't been comfortable. I know that I'd rather be broke and happy than rich and empty inside. So I'm headed back to Chicago and I have some more stops along the way. I stopped in Vegas last night and am staying tonight and then headed to Utah in the morning.

Now off to explore the Strip in the daylight!

Los Angeles

New beginnings??? 

I got here Monday afternoon and I was excited and exhausted at the same time. The lack of sleep, driving and going out has finally caught up with me and I'm sick with a sinus infection. I'm staying with my friend Will who I haven't seen since high school. We've known each other since we were 11 and were great friends but things happen and it faded. We re-connected and again I feel like no time has passed between us at all. He's a kindred spirit, very insightful and kind as always. He's been the best guide and support I could have hoped for here. We've had very meaningful discussions, laughed, enjoyed the silence and I feel relaxed. I tend to focus my energy on everyone else so that I don't have to deal with me at all. I always feel guilty for taking time for me or telling someone I can't do exactly what they want me to do when they want me to do it. So this time is for me to take care of myself, to figure out what makes my soul sing and how to grab it and never let go. 

I consider myself on the cusp of something great but there is major temptation for me to fall back into old, bad habits out of fear. There is a kind, wonderful man that loves me, picked me out of everyone else and I could let myself become swept away. I mean, what's so bad about being swept away by someone who loves you, right? Well the difference for me is I tend to lose myself in that other person and I make the choice to change who I am so I fit with that person better. I focus on their wants and needs and I put mine to the side, this is how I've always been but now I know I can't continue like that. I want to have meaningful, lasting relationships and the only way to do that is to spend time with me first. So I'm making the choice to work on me and to step back from everyone else. This is one of the hardest choices for me because I hate to hurt or disappoint the people who mean the most to me. 

Last night I was out with Will and my friend Ben from college and I asked Ben if he was happy and if what he was doing made his soul sing. He asked me why it was so important to me that my friends are happy and on the same journey that I'm on. It's not that I want them to be on the same journey at all, but it is important that they are happy because I love my friends. I told Ben that I'm his cautionary tale and he should always be with people who pick him, who love him and he looked at me and said, "I pick you Val." So naturally I cried. It was a good cry because those words meant so much to me. 

I had very vivid dreams last night; some made sense and some didn't. I've been holding on for dear life to a love that might not be real and I need to let it go. I've lived with too many "what if's" and that eats away at me so when the chance to reconnect to my "one that got away" came, I grabbed it. He told me he loved me and I believed it with every fiber of my being. I know in my head that the timing has never been right and we won't be together but the hopeless romantic in me still wanted to believe in miracles. And then there's this wonderful man who loves me and wants to be with me but he will be gone for the next year at war. I have feelings for him but I can't allow myself to be swept away because I can't make it back from a third heartbreak in less than a year. And it's so easy to be swept away but then I'm falling back into my old unhealthy patterns. I feel very lucky that he picked me but there's a part that feels it's too good to be true and he's made a mistake and will figure out that I'm not worthy. 

I realized that I've spent my trip thinking about these men and worrying about them and not focusing enough on me. So I'm pulling back and taking some time and much needed space. It's hard for me to not feel guilty about that but for once, I pick me. 

Phoenix

Letting go of the past.....I'm not very good at that, I tend to dwell and let the past eat me up inside. I spent the weekend with my friend Mel and her family and it was very low key but insightful. I've known Mel since I was 17 and she has always supported me and her family has welcomed me with open arms. I sit back and watch her and her husband with their son and I smile. It's his third birthday party and he's so excited for his Scooby Doo party. Her parents and her brother treat me like I'm party of the family and I'm forever grateful to them for that. I've been struggling with the anger I've been holding on to. I've been angry that I had to go through the hardest time in my life alone; that my parents passed judgement and abandoned me. And there's a big part of me that felt guilty for even being sad about my marriage ending and losing my job. I would look at my friends in the military and feel ashamed for crying about my situation when theirs is so much harder; to worry about survival and their brothers in arms dying and missing their families for an entire year. I had a very insightful and meaningful conversation with Mel's husband who is a Marine, no longer active. He told me that I have the right to feel what I feel and that I shouldn't let anyone else diminish that. That these men made the choice to sign up and go to war and they knew the possible risks. He turned to me and said, "when did you sign up for what you're going through? When did you know what you were getting yourself into?" He told me that I'm family and that they would always be there for me.

I believe that you can't pick your family but you can pick your friends and sometimes your friends are your true family. I can't forget what happened to me in my past but I don't have to hold onto the anger anymore. The past has shaped who I am and where I am today. So now I need to move forward and not look back so much........

Next stop, Los Angeles

Tucson

To me the best friendships are the ones that endure no matter what has happened or how much time has passed since you last spoke or saw each other. I'm the luckiest person because I have friends who are my family and stand by me no matter what. I came to Tucson last night to visit my dear friend Mindy who I haven't seen in 13 years. She welcomed me into her home with open arms and it felt like no time had gone by at all. We reconnected online and she sent me one of the most touching messages I have ever received and it felt like she knew at that exact moment that I needed a friend and support and I will be forever grateful. I felt at peace and so relaxed today and I realized that I haven't felt like this in YEARS! Her family is so  amazing and even though it was the first time I met her hu, band and three beautiful children I feel like I've known them for years and am part of the family. Mindy and Adrian are so supportive and have given me wonderful advice. Again I am so very lucky! I won't know for certain where I'm supposed to be until I finish my trip but I wish I had planned more time at each place. I know 100% that I will be back in Tucson.....soon.

I got my nose pierced today. I've wanted to do it since high school and was always too scared. That's crazy considering I have six tattoos. It just felt right today. We had a wonderful day walking around with Mindy's two year old...I wish I had a quarter of his energy. We played at the park, played at a fountain and saw the most beautiful sunset. I'm sad to leave but I know in my heart I will come back. In a year of epic fails I am blessed to have epic wins and reconnecting with my dear friend Mindy is an epic win.

Next stop.....Phoenix

Roswell

I wasn't planning on meeting people or learning anything in Roswell; it was just a stopping point between Austin and Tucson, not one of my real destinations. But that's the beauty of life; the unexpected things are sometimes the best. I got here around 4pm and checked into a Best Western on Main St, nothing special just for the night. I asked the front desk clerk what she recommended I do in town for my one night and she said, "Well of course the alien stuff." So I drove down the street to the UFO Museum and gift shops which all closed at 5pm. For me, thirty minutes of alien "stuff" was plenty. My hotel is across the street from a restaurant/bar called Farley's and across the street to the left is the New Mexico Military Institute. I sat at the bar, ordered a drink and studied the menu. The bartender was friendly, long blonde ponytail, soul patch, spacers in each ear and talkative. He made sure no one messed with me, not that there was anyone there to give me trouble, it wasn't that kind of place but still the thought was sweet.

I chatted on the phone with a dear friend who I miss so much and I ordered some food. After dinner, I met some people outside having a cigarette. We ended up sitting together and talking for the rest of the night. One of the men is a Staff Sergent and is now in the reserves. He's been to Iraq three times and he never wants to go back. He told me that he trains new soldiers, young kids 17, 18, 19 years old and some of them are so excited to go over there and fight. He tells them that they don't know what they are saying when they ask him when they will go. He tells me about his friends that he lost. One of the women with us talks about her brother who is over there again and has been in the military for 19 years. She's so proud of him but she is so scared that one day two men in uniform will come to the house and tell her that he's not coming home. Her eyes stare off into a far away place and her face darkens as she says this. I can't help but look at her even though it feels like a private moment for her and I should look away.

So I ask the question to the group, "Why do it then? I have some friends who say that they'd rather fight over there than in their backyards; that if they don't do it who will; and they do it so their children won't have to."
Those are very noble reasons but I wanted to know what these people thought. The Staff Sergent looked at me and said "We all have choices to make in life and we have to be prepared for the consequences. I believe that not making a choice and acting on it is worse than making the wrong choice because by taking that step you've done something and you're not just stuck." I thought about my friend who just came back from a year over there, fourth deployment and my dear friend who is going in March for a year on his third deployment and a few tears escaped. I brushed them away quickly and looked up and the Staff Sergent said, "it's ok to be scared but know that we make these choices and we know the consequences before we go so you don't need to cry for us." I hugged him and thanked him and the group and said good night.

That statement hit so close to home I was stunned. Part of my problem is that I've been too afraid to make some choices so I've let them sit in limbo. So maybe a leap of faith is what I need to take right now and if I fall then I fall but at least I will have made a choice...........

Moving on to Tucson, AZ.......

Austin

"When it's right, you'll know." I've been told that several times during my trip. I'm having a hard time believing that and trusting myself and my feelings. Feelings can be misleading and can change. So when I get to the place that I'm supposed to start a new life in how will I know? Will I have a warm tingly-face feeling? Will a beam of light open from the heavens and a choir of angels sing? What will be my sign to know that I'm doing the right thing and I'm in the right place? I'm a worrier, a very talented worrier. I worry about money and paying my bills and I worry about my dog being safe and not hating me for leaving him with my sister for so long. I worry about how everyone else in my life feels and what everyone else thinks about me. I spend so much time worrying that actually living my life is passing me by and I'm missing it.

I loved being in Austin with Corrie and Joe. I don't know if this is where I'm supposed to be though. The people here are so nice, it's very dog friendly, the weather is beautiful and it has an eclectic home feel. But what would I do here? I don't want just a job, I want a career, I want my soul to sing and I want to shine with happiness. I haven't seen that job posting anywhere though..... The scary thing is that I could take the easy way out again. I could get a job in corporate america and tell myself that this is the responsible thing to do and lose sight of myself and my needs again. So I'm fighting that very hard right now. It's an inner struggle between two parts of my brain and personality. It's exhausting at times.

I spoke with a dear friend last night and he said I might not know right away, it might take time maybe months after I've finished this road trip to truly know where I'm supposed to be and what my true calling is. My dear Corrie is one of the most patient people I know. She gives her time, love, understanding and friendship and doesn't put restrictions or requirements on any of them. The advice that she gave me is to take time for myself to figure it out and don't lose sight of the purpose in making this trip......to discover myself. Much Love Corrie!!

Next stop.....Roswell, NM.....going on an Alien hunt; I'm not afraid!

New Orleans

I hate the silence. I arrived at my friend's place just after midnight Friday, about twenty minutes outside of New Orleans. I'd never met him in person but was introduced through a mutual friend and had chatted online before. I stayed until Sunday morning and then headed out to Austin. The ironic thing is that I was in one of the most loud, crazy-party cities but the weekend was so quiet to me and I don't like the quiet/silence. It gives me too much time to think. In one respect, that's what this trip is about, thinking and processing what's happened in my life and where I want it to go. I always feel the need to fill the silence with talking and then the insecurities come out and I worry that I'm being annoying. I feel like I had too much down time and then began to over think things. The ghosts of my lost loves came back at me full force. Two epic heartbreaks in less than six months is all I can handle at this point and I can't go all in for a third. For me it's like being a recovering alcoholic, I'm newly sober to "love" and I can't rush back into it and become intoxicated and lose my perspective and put my needs on the back burner yet again. A recovering alcoholic 30 days sober wouldn't go into a bar to just "hang out", so why am I playing chicken with my heart? Sitting in silence with someone that I barely know is intimidating and uncomfortable for me.

Saturday night we went to Bourbon Street which was a whole new world for me. I'd love to go back and spend more time in New Orleans. There was an air of freedom and relaxed confidence that I loved and craved. I can be a talented actress when it comes to playing confidence but I need real confidence from deep inside, not dependent on another person. The loud music, bright neon lights, and laughter were a welcome distraction from the silence and helped me forget about the ghosts that haunted me all day. We listened to a cover band and I danced with strangers. It was a fun escape. The next day I got up early and drove back down to New Orleans and spent the morning walking around the French Quarter. I regretted not doing more on Saturday during the day. I wasted time just sitting in the silence of the condo and I should have been out exploring. The French Quarter was beautiful. I bought two paintings on slate from an artist in the park, then at the suggestion of a carriage driver I went to Johnny Po Boys for breakfast and had the best biscuits I've ever had. Cafe Du Mond was my next stop but they only took cash and the line for take out or to sit down was over an hour long. Sadly I left the Big Easy without my beignets. But I enjoyed fabulous fried green tomatoes, fresh oysters, shrimp, crawfish and a gianormus muffelata sandwich. And I left with the knowledge that even though it hurts to sit in the silence and face the ghosts and my past, it's necessary in order to move on.

Next stop....Austin, TX

Memphis

I arrived in Memphis last night around 10:30 and checked into a Comfort Inn then went to Fox and Hound for a very late dinner and drinks. I met a very nice couple in their thirties and we chatted for hours. At the end of the night they told me that they were swingers....epic fail. Needless to say I went back to the hotel alone. Today was awesome and I had some wonderful interactions and I experienced acts of kindness from complete strangers. First on the agenda was Graceland. Honestly I'm not a huge Elvis fan but I enjoyed the tour of the mansion, plane and exhibits. I met a very sweet elderly man who is a tour guide at Graceland and we had a lovely conversation. He referred to me as "Chicago" for the rest of my time there and told me to behave in New Orleans and to be careful.

Next was a visit to Alcenia's on Main St. http://alcenias.com/ for a late lunch. I saw a profile of the restaurant on Food Network some time ago and I had to stop in for authentic soul food. The owner, BJ really does give every customer a hug when you walk in and she thanks you for coming. I was the only customer and the restaurant is very cozy and wonderfully decorated, I felt like I was sitting in her kitchen and I LOVED it! I literally had the best fried chicken, corn bread, mac n' cheese and green beans in my life! As I sat and ate, a woman came in and sat down at the table across from me, talking on her cell phone. She is an attorney, very outgoing and a friend of the owner. An older couple came in and sat at the other table near us and we started talking. The woman asked me where I'm from, why I'm in Memphis, etc and I told her my story. She told me about her children, her eldest is my age and she was very encouraging and kind to me. We had a lovely conversation and she said that she wanted to buy my lunch. I told her that wasn't necessary and she said, "Are you too old to accept blessings?" I said no ma'am, thank you very much. After I finished eating I said goodbye and the woman told me to wait one minute. She came over to me and gave me money. I told her I couldn't accept it and she said she is so blessed and she wanted to buy me a tank of gas to help me on my journey. That act of sincere kindness brought tears to my eyes. I hugged her and I thanked her. She wished me luck and I left to find Beale St.

One the way I stopped for gas and there was an old, mostly toothless homeless man standing by the gas station door. I walked passed and smiled at him and he asked me if I had any food. I was taken aback because I'm usually asked for cash, not actual food. He then said, "I'm sorry, I haven't eaten today." I told him to wait for me and I went inside. There was a subway inside and I bought him a foot long sub, some water and Gatorade. I came out and gave him the food, he looked down at the ground then up at me and said "Thank you, God bless you." I told him that I was just paying it forward and to take care. So I guess my lesson today was to accept acts of kindness and repay them in turn to someone else who deserves it.

I made my way to Beale St. and walked up and down the street, looking at the shops and then decided to go to BB King's Blues Club for a drink and some more food. After all I was in Memphis and it was production critical that I sample the cuisine as much as possible, LOL. The club has a great atmosphere and everyone was so friendly. In fact, most people in Memphis were very friendly and smiled a lot, very refreshing! I sat at the bar and a couple from New Hampshire next to me starting talking to me. After the previous night's experience I was a bit leery but they did not proposition me so we chatted for a couple hours. They have been married for 21 years, they travel, have common interests and are best friends and still very much in love. Again, an example of what a marriage can be and I believe should be. They were very encouraging and told me about their experiences and made a fantastic suggestion for a career move for me.....working for the USO coordinating shows/performances. I can totally do that and it would be giving back and still using my talents. We listened to a kid, literally he was 16 or 17, play guitar and sing the blues and he was fantastic.  I had to get on the road to New Orleans so I said goodbye and made my way south.

I arrived in New Orleans after midnight and am going to crash....tomorrow exploring the Big Easy!!!

Springfield, day one

I had a late start today and didn’t realize how much I still had to do before I could leave. I took two friends to the airport, one to O’Hare and the other to Midway and cleaned out my car, went home and continued packing. I didn’t leave until 5 pm which was much later than I had planned but I don’t think I forgot anything major, just a hair dryer. The drive here was nice, just three hours and I stopped at Cracker Barrel for dinner. I have never been inside or eaten at a Cracker Barrel in my life. So I took the plunge. Very cute and quaint inside and the food was decent. The staff were all very young but very sweet. I made it to Kelly’s at 8:45 and we’ve been catching up ever since.

I’m so happy for my friend! She has beautiful children, a loving husband, a great home and a job. She radiates happiness and that’s what she’s always deserved. We lost touch for quite a while but I feel fortunate that we were able to reconnect and that she invited me into her home. I am fortunate enough to have friendships that are so strong that no matter how much time passes, we can pick up right where we left off. We’re going to spend tomorrow morning and early afternoon together before I head out to Memphis. The point of this trip for me (aside from seeing dear friends) is to learn something along the way; about myself and about life.

Today I saw a happy family, a healthy marriage and that there’s hope for relationships and love. Not all marriages end or end badly and it takes work but it also takes love; the kind of love that withstands the hardest moments and the daily grind. And I’ve learned that there isn’t always a direct path to what you want in life, the detours aren’t bad things, they are part of the journey………

the day before....

I'm excited and nervous and I couldn't sleep last night; kind of like when you were a kid and it was Christmas Eve and you couldn't wait for the morning to come. My first stop will actually be in Springfield, IL to visit my dear friend Kelly and meet her family. I've adjusted my route and I'm not going to stop in St. Louis but I am going to stop in Roswell, NM now. Maybe I'll see some aliens or true crazies! I've been looking at www.roadsideamerica.com to find the most unique attractions to see along the way. I appreciate the support I've received from my loving friends. I wish that my family was more supportive of me but my friends have become my family and as long as I have someone in my corner, I don't feel so scared.

I do believe in fate and that there are reasons for people coming in and out of your life at specific moments in time. And lately I've received a lot of signs that I can't ignore any more. If I let fear of the unknown rule my life again then this second chance will be wasted. I met my lovely Australian friend by chance one night in the bathroom of our favorite bar when I was crying. She showed me kindness and didn't have to so I am very grateful for her kind heart. We were discussing hopes and dreams and I told her about my dream of being a director. She asked what was holding me back from it now. I paused and she smiled and said, you are holding yourself back, just go and do it.

Sunday I went to Steppenwolf and saw "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" and absolutely loved it. Sometimes when I'm watching a show and the performance and script are particularly moving to me I get something that I call Tingly Face. It doesn't happen all of the time so when it does I know that this is important and I should pay attention and not let it slip away. Some people don't understand what I mean by Tingly Face, it's hard to explain if you've never had it. Basically at certain moments I feel every nerve, every cell, every single part of my face become electrified; not in a stun gun way but in a gentle but noticeable way that makes me smile so big and makes my heart flutter just enough. So I had Tingly Face and walked out of the show feeling great. I went to The Black Duck, sat at the bar and ordered a drink and some dinner.

I met a sweet young guy named Jack. He was very animated and talkative and we slipped very quickly and easily into a comfortable banter for quite some time. He called me Alice and I found that quite fitting since I'm going to embark on this epic journey. I then told him about my trip and he said, well Alice you're going down the rabbit hole and what will you find on the other side? I honestly don't know, but I can't wait to find out.

The Beginning

I love a good story and like every story, there's a beginning. I'm a dreamer, a romantic at heart. When I was young, I wanted to direct theatre and bring joy, laughter and emotional experiences to my audience. I graduated high school when I was 17 and left for college that night because I couldn't wait to start my life. I studied theatre at Illinois State University and had some amazing adventures, met forever friends and worked with gifted artists. I graduated ten years ago with lots of student loan debt. I had six months to find a paying job in theatre and basically I froze. I got scared and bailed; I made the easy choice but now I know that it wasn't the right choice for me. This is my second chance so I'm embracing it and running with it. I am back where I started ten years ago but I'm wiser for the experiences that I've had. Next week I am embarking on an Epic Journey from Chicago to LA and back. Along the way I will stop and see friends and family. I've been applying for jobs in each area in an effort to figure out what will make my soul sing. My plan is to drive to St. Louis, Memphis, New Orleans, Austin, Tucson, Phoenix, Los Angeles, Salt Lake City, Denver, Omaha, Minneapolis and then return home. Depending on the weather I might start in Minneapolis, but I won't know for sure until next week. I'm going to write about my travels and adventures and my goal is to have some clarity and direction when I'm done.....a job would be nice to but I'm not going to push it.