New Orleans

I hate the silence. I arrived at my friend's place just after midnight Friday, about twenty minutes outside of New Orleans. I'd never met him in person but was introduced through a mutual friend and had chatted online before. I stayed until Sunday morning and then headed out to Austin. The ironic thing is that I was in one of the most loud, crazy-party cities but the weekend was so quiet to me and I don't like the quiet/silence. It gives me too much time to think. In one respect, that's what this trip is about, thinking and processing what's happened in my life and where I want it to go. I always feel the need to fill the silence with talking and then the insecurities come out and I worry that I'm being annoying. I feel like I had too much down time and then began to over think things. The ghosts of my lost loves came back at me full force. Two epic heartbreaks in less than six months is all I can handle at this point and I can't go all in for a third. For me it's like being a recovering alcoholic, I'm newly sober to "love" and I can't rush back into it and become intoxicated and lose my perspective and put my needs on the back burner yet again. A recovering alcoholic 30 days sober wouldn't go into a bar to just "hang out", so why am I playing chicken with my heart? Sitting in silence with someone that I barely know is intimidating and uncomfortable for me.

Saturday night we went to Bourbon Street which was a whole new world for me. I'd love to go back and spend more time in New Orleans. There was an air of freedom and relaxed confidence that I loved and craved. I can be a talented actress when it comes to playing confidence but I need real confidence from deep inside, not dependent on another person. The loud music, bright neon lights, and laughter were a welcome distraction from the silence and helped me forget about the ghosts that haunted me all day. We listened to a cover band and I danced with strangers. It was a fun escape. The next day I got up early and drove back down to New Orleans and spent the morning walking around the French Quarter. I regretted not doing more on Saturday during the day. I wasted time just sitting in the silence of the condo and I should have been out exploring. The French Quarter was beautiful. I bought two paintings on slate from an artist in the park, then at the suggestion of a carriage driver I went to Johnny Po Boys for breakfast and had the best biscuits I've ever had. Cafe Du Mond was my next stop but they only took cash and the line for take out or to sit down was over an hour long. Sadly I left the Big Easy without my beignets. But I enjoyed fabulous fried green tomatoes, fresh oysters, shrimp, crawfish and a gianormus muffelata sandwich. And I left with the knowledge that even though it hurts to sit in the silence and face the ghosts and my past, it's necessary in order to move on.

Next stop....Austin, TX