I've been slacking a lot on this blog but now I'm making amends and sharing my latest experiences but also recognizing what those experiences mean. This will take many posts and I honestly don't expect anyone to read this at all. If you do that's great but if not, it's still serving it's purpose for me. Getting it out on paper or print helps me to digest and understand what's happened, how I reacted and what this means for me. I got home from my road trip and John Michael came to visit. In the past I haven't made the best relationship choices and going through a divorce, amicable or not, makes a person gun shy. I worked so hard to push this man away, keep him at arms length and set up barriers and rules. No feelings, no labels, no restrictions but most of all, absolutely no love. I laid down those rules and that wasn't what John wanted but he stuck around. I am a romantic, a dreamer and I believe in fairy tales. Meeting John in person showed me that the spark on the phone, email, IM, text was real. But I let myself get carried away in the story before and it ended in tragedy.
It's the beginning of February, I can't give up on love but don't want to be vulnerable or hurt. So I put up my walls. This is the third time I've seen this man, countless emails, texts, IMs and phone conversations have occurred and this man tells me he loves me. In typical Val Style, I tried to bolt. Initially I had that warm, fluttery feeling in my chest and I swore my brain screamed "YES" but the rational part of me said "No you can't do this, you're making the same mistake again and it will only end in heartbreak. You can't come back from a third heartbreak in less than a year!" So I believed my brain and I fought against my heart and against John's love and kindness for me. Looking back on it, I was being completely stupid and stubborn. But in that moment I felt backed against a wall by my brain and my heart and I went into survival mode. Each time John and I visited, we had so much fun. We laughed, we could talk about anything and everything, we had passion and excitement. In my moment of freak out I forgot about those times. But John took everything in stride and he did things for me that no one has ever done for me in my entire life.
This man made me 12 origami roses and a vase for Valentine's Day and sprayed the flowers with his cologne. He was the first man in my 31 years who EVER cooked for me AND he surprised me with food. Everyone knows that I LOVE food and this man can throw down! He made me biscuits and gravy, eggs and hash browns and Ahi Tuna dinner steaks. I mentioned that I wanted waffles but I didn't have a waffle iron so while I was sleeping, this wonderful man went out and bought a belgian waffle maker, fresh fruit and whipped cream. He surprised me with breakfast in bed. That was mind blowing!!!! When I was in marriage counseling I made a list of the qualities of my ideal partner and what my ideal relationship would look like. I see those qualities in John and it scares me to death. Not scares the shit out of me because for a long time I couldn't go when I was around him, that's painful, just sayin'. But I digress
I've heard many theories on how to tell a person is genuine and good but I still believe in that gut feeling. And watching that person sleep. Someone said you can tell a lot about a person by their hands. I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they sleep; do they talk in their sleep, do they toss and turn, do they have a peaceful look or a disturbed look? I watched John sleep and I felt at peace. He is the only man I've ever been able to cuddle with, fall asleep and stay asleep with and feel at peace and safe. So I had to search my soul and decide what's right for me, not for everyone else but just for me. That is when I recognized that I survived my divorce and my heartbreak from the "One Who Got Away" and I am better for having gone through all of that. So why am I holding back and not trying? If I try and it doesn't work out, at least I tried and I won't have regrets. So I took a leap of faith off the edge of what felt like a huge, never ending cliff. I told myself that I don't need anyone to catch me, I can pick myself up and keep going.
So I took the leap and I am so very blessed. Some people in my life criticized me for "rushing or moving too soon". I wasn't aware that there was a standardized clock for moving on and getting over pain. So I am still picking me first, but I'm letting someone else be there with me. It's scary but if I don't take the risk, I'd have another "what if" and I have enough of that.
So here's to my Dear Sweet John, thank you for showing me kindness. You are my Prince Charming.
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