Time to know your worth.......

*****Disclaimer****There is implied sarcasm throughout this post so read at your own risk and you are expected to laugh at least once.

I don't like myself very much. I've never been a big fan of Val and I've always preferred to focus on everyone else so that I don't have to focus on me. But I've been throwing one hell of a pity party for myself since Feb 14th. The stages of grief have kicked my ass and every time I think I've conquered one, a wave of sadness knocks me out. I've been trying to fill the giant empty hole in my chest with handbags, shoes and jewelry but that didn't help so I moved on to chocolate and vodka. They make chocolate vodka now so that streamlined the process but still didn't help so logically I move on to men. I have managed to repel every man in the tri-state area within a matter of two weeks.

Clearly I am in no position to be dating anyone so I do feel bad for my recent victims i.e. dates. I've been trying to do things that make me happy without reminding me of the heartbreak and unbearable pain that is my "love life." I was going to a bar close to work to watch the Hawks games because that is something I enjoy. Due to my schedule, I miss most of the game but end up catching the last period. Clearly I have been going to this bar too much because the bartenders know me and what I drink. I pick up the only guy bartender there and we go on a date. While on said date I find out that Bartender is 23.....I knew he was younger but not that young. At the time I thought I covered my shock and awkwardness but as they say, hindsight is 20/20. I also thought we had a great time and we discussed going out again. Well that day came and went and I was blown off. I was confused but didn't let that detour me. So logically I go back to said bar the following Tuesday and awkwardly see Bartender. As I'm watching the Hawks lose a stranger across the bar buys me a drink.

I'm genuinely shocked by this because I still see myself as "Fat Funny Friend Val" and I put zero effort into wearing makeup or dressing up. Honestly I put more effort into getting ready when I'm going out with my girls. I ask the female bartender why someone bought me a drink and who and crack some other self deprecating jokes. Eventually I make my way to the stranger and thank him for the drink. He invites me to sit down so I do. We talked till they closed and I laughed so hard and it felt great to laugh. He told me about the "Great divorce of 2009" and I told him about the "Epic divorce and layoff of 2010" so clearly we were a match made in heaven! And to truly seal the deal I told him about my latest heartbreak. He looked at me and said, "So when are you going to realize your worth." I was completely dumbfounded. He said, "2012 should be the year that Val realizes her worth." Then he asked me if I wanted to go back to his hotel room and cuddle. I asked if that was a euphemism for sex and he said no. Of course I went back to his room and we did cuddle and that's when I started crying.....uncontrollably and he said it was ok and that I was going to be ok. I left and I will never see that man again because he doesn't live here and we didn't exchange info. It was a moment in time.

I should have taken that as a wake up but I continued on my train wreck ways. I go out with my brother when he's in town and I meet a guy. Now my brother means the world to me. I feel closest to him out of anyone in my family and he has always had my back and loved me no matter what. We're at a bar listening to an amazing band and I smiled at a guy. I don't know why but I did. Maybe it was his eyes. But we talked and I gave him my number and told him that we should go out the next day. Actually I think I made him go out with me, not really a request but a demand. And we did go out and again I thought we had a great time. We walked along Lake Michigan and talked and went to a couple of places and he asked if I wanted to go out one night this week after work and I asked if he wanted to go out for St. Paddy's Day so I thought it was great. So I waited. I sent him a text and he never replied. So I did something wrong. Last night I stop at the scene of my first crime to watch the game and I see Bartender and a stranger buys me a drink.

This time the guy is old enough to be my father but has kind eyes. So I sit with him and his friends and we laugh and talk. I remember, while sitting there, that the next day is my ex's daughter's birthday and I feel so sad because I love his kids and I wish I was there. The guy says something.....I don't remember what because I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts about him and us.....and I start to cry. This guy who just wanted my number is now witness to the train wreck that is me. I apologize and I leave. Last week I begged the man I love to take me back. I fell apart at work again and I begged. I asked him if there was any chance of us trying again, starting fresh and he said he didn't know but we would have a lot to talk about and now wasn't the time because I was at work. He told me three days in a row that he would call me and he didn't. He did send me a text telling me that his son wanted him to make the snacks I made for him and he couldn't remember one of the recipes. I gave it to him. I wished I never got that text because it hurt so much. So today I sent a text wishing his daughter a happy birthday and he said thanks and later on sent me a picture of him and his daughter celebrating her birthday. I fell apart again and cried and was sick to my stomach and so desperately wanting My Dear Sweet John back; the man I fell in love with and planned a life with. Again I ask him to talk to me about us and he replied with, "Aren't you at work?" and I said yes and the time I got off of work and he did not reply.

I don't know what is worse......the fact that he gave up on me and threw me away or the fact that nothing I said or did for the last year mattered at all. Nothing changed. I didn't matter at all. He is home and happy and I am alone. At this point everyone is sick of my sadness. I cried to my best friend tonight. She is literally the strongest person I know. She has faced grief and sadness that is so deep and strong and I am such an asshole to cry over being dumped to her. She sees things in me that no one else does, especially me. I have to keep telling myself something that she has said over and over again. Love does not talk like that. Love doesn't say fuck off and love doesn't tell you that it's all your fault, that you made me choose between you and my family, and love doesn't say that you are not my true love Val because you make me miserable and you argue with me.

Love, true love doesn't give up. True love doesn't look you in the eyes and say that there is no hope and they quit. A stranger in a bar showed me more respect and kindness than the man that I loved did. So I'm trying to recognize my worth. One day at a time.

Epic Journey continued......one year later

True Love does not exist; it's an enduring myth that many people, myself included, believe in, hope for and desire. As a little girl I dreamed of my knight in shining armor, my prince charming who would come and save me and make me happy for the rest of my life. As an adult I have found that it is much easier for me to put everyone else's needs first. That way I didn't have to deal with my own needs and issues. So I went all in; I took the leap and I fell so very hard. Maybe I saw what I wanted to and ignored the warnings and problems. Maybe it was meant to be but only for a short time. Right now, in this moment I believe that none of it was ever real. And ultimately it was all my fault. I chose this; I put my life on hold; I made him and US the focus of my entire life. So now that it's over, I have no one to blame but myself. I put my journey on hold for a year. I chose someone else's happiness over mine again. I believed that we had true love, that it was meant to be and that it would last forever. So when it ends two weeks to the day of his homecoming, nothing seems real.

I allowed and excepted the insanity of a year long deployment,an internet stalker, a psychotic ex-wife, and judgmental hateful parents because I believed he was worth it; that WE were worth it. I moved back home to save money and get my life together so that I would be ready to move when he came home. I slept with a laptop in my bed for a year so that I could be there any time he needed or could talk. I negotiated two weeks of unpaid time off into my employment so that I could be with him when he was home on leave. I raised $1700 and made ornaments, candy cane reindeer, a Christmas tree, stocking and Santa hat so that every person in his unit could call home for Christmas. And I've put my health last and was sick from November through February with sinus infections, ear infections, and upper respiratory infections. I CHOSE ALL OF THAT. The hardest thing is accepting that it is over and that all of that time and the cards, emails, care packages were for nothing. I was nothing more than a glorified pen pal. I wanted it to be real.....I guess I forced it and pushed too hard. 

So all of the heartache of being separated, the hateful things that were said to me and about me, none of it mattered, none of it made a difference. At the end of this, I was not worth the fight, our love was not worth it. If it's "true love" you don't quit, you never give up and you don't throw someone away like garbage. You fight and you have each other's back always. I wasn't even worthy of closure in person. And the insanity of the ex-wife was welcomed back in as I was thrown out. Nothing I said or did made any difference at all. If it had, he wouldn't have allowed the crazy back in. As I've been told over and over again all year, I can't control what other people do......very true but a person can control what they do. For the last two weeks I've been trying to understand what went wrong, when it started to fail and what I did to make it end. I can't understand how a person can tell me that they dream of coming home from work and finding me and our son in the backyard playing, of growing old together, and then quit..just give up on me. When I asked about the non-refundable plane ticket for his homecoming, he looked me in the eyes and said "I don't want you there." 

In life there are somethings that you can't come back from, they change you forever and you will never be the same. I don't know much but I know this; I will never go all in again. I will never put my life on hold for anyone else. I will never sacrifice my wants and needs for someone else's. I have made peace with never having a child of my own and never being vulnerable again. Some may say that I'll feel differently in time and that everything will be fine. But it won't be and I know I won't feel differently. 

And now for the next chapter in my life.......

ISU homecoming...2/17...quadrophonics

I went back to ISU for the first time since my graduation on Feb 17th with my dear Sister friend Robin. We drove down to see Terry Kinney and Jeff Perry speak, (two of the founding members of Steppenwolf) because they were being honored. The entire day was surreal but so amazing!! We got there early and I almost physically ran into them as I came out of the bathroom (now that's a classic Val story). We were 3 rows from them and we saw our dear friend Adam Fox aka Foxy. He's a teacher at ISU and it blew my mind because he's all growed up and students look up to him so he's a real adult!!! I have yet to reach that level but I totally respect Foxy. After listening to these great men speak and answer questions, Robin and I agreed that it would have been very beneficial to hear that 10 years ago but better late than never.

After the talk, Foxy took us on a tour of our old stomping grounds which have changed completely. Words cannot describe how amazing I felt being with friends and in a place that helped me grow so much. We ended up in Room 207 which will always have a special place in my heart. We produced "Zelda with a Z, Catherine with a C" in that room, and it was just as we left it. The last 10 years have been a journey but going back to the ISU theatre department was like going home. Just the smell of it brought tears to my eyes. So here we are, Robin, Foxy and me in room 207 and we're talking about our lives and where we are now. Foxy works with students and it may not be apparent right away but he is influencing and inspiring the next generation of theatre in the Midwest. Robin tells us the best story ever; her beautiful, creative daughter and an assignment for school to write about the jobs that everyone in her family has. She wrote that she takes out garbage, her Dad makes pizza (he owns a restaurant that is fantastic) and that her Mom raises money to save babies. That brings tears to my eyes every time I hear the story or think of it. Robin volunteers with SIDS of IL to raise awareness and funds, but that's not her full time job. From the mouths of babes......

And then there's me. I let fear run my life; I ran away and I don't have anything to show for it. I sat there and I felt joy for my friends and their success. We left ISU and drove back to Robin's house. We've been talking about starting our own theatre company and she scoped out a space for us so she drove me to it. The Roxy in downtown Lockport. We parked infront and got out of the car. The lights were on inside and I tried the doors. The first one was locked but the second one was opened. I didn't hesitant, I walked right in and for the first time in along time, I had no fear. I saw a young man cleaning and I asked him who was in charge; who could I talk to in order to use the space. There was another man there working and he assisted us. I explained that my business partner and I would like to use this space for our theatre company and he gave us contact information. He also gave us a brief history of the space and was very encouraging and kind.

We left the space and I felt like I'd come full circle as a person. I concurred my fear and came back to my passion. So I am embracing this very rare opportunity. Robin and I are starting Shandy House Theatre Company and we will succeed!!! I am a blessed woman because I have friends who are family and share my passions and loves. Everything happens for a reason. People come in and out of your life for a reason and the ones that mean the most never really leave. Even if you push them away and you make mistakes, they are still waiting in the wings to pick you up, love you and forgive you. Thank God for them. Thank God for Robin.

Fear....how it can run your life

I've been slacking a lot on this blog but now I'm making amends and sharing my latest experiences but also recognizing what those experiences mean. This will take many posts and I honestly don't expect anyone to read this at all. If you do that's great but if not, it's still serving it's purpose for me. Getting it out on paper or print helps me to digest and understand what's happened, how I reacted and what this means for me. I got home from my road trip and John Michael came to visit. In the past I haven't made the best relationship choices and going through a divorce, amicable or not, makes a person gun shy. I worked so hard to push this man away, keep him at arms length and set up barriers and rules. No feelings, no labels, no restrictions but most of all, absolutely no love. I laid down those rules and that wasn't what John wanted but he stuck around. I am a romantic, a dreamer and I believe in fairy tales. Meeting John in person showed me that the spark on the phone, email, IM, text was real. But I let myself get carried away in the story before and it ended in tragedy.

It's the beginning of February, I can't give up on love but don't want to be vulnerable or hurt. So I put up my walls. This is the third time I've seen this man, countless emails, texts, IMs and phone conversations have occurred and this man tells me he loves me. In typical Val Style, I tried to bolt. Initially I had that warm, fluttery feeling in my chest and I swore my brain screamed "YES" but the rational part of me said "No you can't do this, you're making the same mistake again and it will only end in heartbreak. You can't come back from a third heartbreak in less than a year!" So I believed my brain and I fought against my heart and against John's love and kindness for me. Looking back on it, I was being completely stupid and stubborn. But in that moment I felt backed against a wall by my brain and my heart and I went into survival mode. Each time John and I visited, we had so much fun. We laughed, we could talk about anything and everything, we had passion and excitement. In my moment of freak out I forgot about those times. But John took everything in stride and he did things for me that no one has ever done for me in my entire life.

This man made me 12 origami roses and a vase for Valentine's Day and sprayed the flowers with his cologne. He was the first man in my 31 years who EVER cooked for me AND he surprised me with food. Everyone knows that I LOVE food and this man can throw down! He made me biscuits and gravy, eggs and hash browns and Ahi Tuna dinner steaks. I mentioned that I wanted waffles but I didn't have a waffle iron so while I was sleeping, this wonderful man went out and bought a belgian waffle maker, fresh fruit and whipped cream. He surprised me with breakfast in bed. That was mind blowing!!!! When I was in marriage counseling I made a list of the qualities of my ideal partner and what my ideal relationship would look like. I see those qualities in John and it scares me to death. Not scares the shit out of me because for a long time I couldn't go when I was around him, that's painful, just sayin'. But I digress

I've heard many theories on how to tell a person is genuine and good but I still believe in that gut feeling. And watching that person sleep. Someone said you can tell a lot about a person by their hands. I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they sleep; do they talk in their sleep, do they toss and turn, do they have a peaceful look or a disturbed look? I watched John sleep and I felt at peace. He is the only man I've ever been able to cuddle with, fall asleep and stay asleep with and feel at peace and safe. So I had to search my soul and decide what's right for me, not for everyone else but just for me. That is when I recognized that I survived my divorce and my heartbreak from the "One Who Got Away" and I am better for having gone through all of that. So why am I holding back and not trying? If I try and it doesn't work out, at least I tried and I won't have regrets. So I took a leap of faith off the edge of what felt like a huge, never ending cliff. I told myself that I don't need anyone to catch me, I can pick myself up and keep going.

So I took the leap and I am so very blessed. Some people in my life criticized me for "rushing or moving too soon". I wasn't aware that there was a standardized clock for moving on and getting over pain. So I am still picking me first, but I'm letting someone else be there with me. It's scary but if I don't take the risk, I'd have another "what if" and I have enough of that.

So here's to my Dear Sweet John, thank you for showing me kindness. You are my Prince Charming.

Roselle, IL

Home.....for now.

I've been officially home for one week. Luckily I haven't had much down time to think or focus. I'm scared. I'll admit it. I don't have all of the answers I was looking for so my journey continues. I've been spending time with my dear friend who is deploying to Afghanistan for a year. I've been able to catch up with forever friends and I still have many more to see. So I'm very lucky to have so many people in my life that are true, forever friends that I need to catch up with. But I don't know what to tell them when they ask me, "So what did you learn from your journey? What are you going to do now?" My mother sent me an email and said, well now you have to seriously look for a job. I have been doing that but my heart hasn't been in it because Corporate America doesn't make my soul sing. I have one life to live so why am I wasting it? I spent the evening in tonight with my friend and I showed him my scripts from the plays I directed in college. I read my director's notes to him from "Zelda with a Z, Catherine with a C." At 19, I was pretty smart and my 19 year old self would kick my 31 year old self's ass right now.

I lost perspective. I'm fortunate to have it again. I worried about silly things and I let the things that matter most slip away. No more back burner to the things that make my soul sing. And I let fear run my life. I'm embracing the things that scare the ever living shit out of me. Go big or go home, right? I say game on life, give me your best shot. I will take whatever comes and run with it.

Omaha

I know I'm past due.....I've never been good at deadlines, even self imposed ones. I spent last weekend in Omaha visiting my Aunt and Uncle on my mother's side. It was very nice and relaxing. We went to a basketball game and watched my cousin play drums in the pep band. I remember when he was born. I changed his diapers and I babysat him and now he's a grown man going to college and he's brilliant. I felt so old at that game but I had so much fun. My Aunt has always been so supportive and loving and I could tell her anything. She worried that I was bored and that she wasn't a good hostess but honestly I was happy that it was a laid back weekend. It was wonderful having time to decompress before I came home. I was scared to come home because I didn't have that "A HA" moment. I'm a dreamer and I believe in happy endings so there was a part of me that thought I would have a moment on the road when I would just know that this was the place I was meant to be and I would know what to do with the rest of my life. But I didn't have that. I know that I'm not cut out for Corporate America even though I spent the last ten years there. I love kids but don't have any of my own so I know I want to work with kids and give back. If I move I will move someplace warm but I'm not cut out for LA. So I think it'd be Arizona but I'm not completely sold.

I know that happiness needs come from within and my surroundings are just a bonus but not a deciding factor. But what makes my soul sing? The last time I felt complete was in college when I was directing. Can I survive on that alone? No, I have to be realistic. Theatre is and will always be my passion. I was so lucky to have phenomenal teachers who inspired me and helped me grow as an artist and a person. Maybe I can be that person to someone else. I've been home for 6 days and I've been avoiding responsibility completely. My dear friend flew in from North Carolina to spend time with me so I've been focusing on him. Tonight I went to a party for a wonderful woman celebrating her 40th birthday (which is insane because she can out party me and anyone else I know any day of the week and doesn't look a day over 30). I sat there catching up with friends an former co-workers and I realized that it's ok to not have all of the answers right now. My journey wasn't in vain, it was truly epic. I had time to think about the big picture and process the last year's events. For the first time in my life, I have enjoyed being alone. That is HUGE because I've always hated being alone and have surrounded myself with people for that reason.

Driving on the open road was so liberating and I wasn't afraid. I have let fear run my life for so long that I didn't know what it was like to live otherwise. So now I'm making a change. I don't have all of the answers but I know that my Epic Journey is not over. I am traveling more but it doesn't mean that my discoveries only come from travel. So I'm going to continue writing an discovering for myself. If someone reads it and gains a new perspective that's great but this is for me. This is my selfish act. I pick me and the most important relationship I can ever have is with myself. If I don't love me, how can I expect someone else to love me?

To be continued........

Denver, CO

My brief torrid hate-love relationship with Denver.......

Denver made me cry; and not just teary-eyed but full out bawling in my car out of frustration and exhaustion. I left Utah still feeling sick but no longer at death's door and headed to Denver Thursday morning. The drive was ascetically pleasing but the mountains did a number on the pressure in my head. I was tired and crabby by the time I got to Denver but I planned on checking into a hotel, freshening up and then going out. I know one person there but I hadn't seen him in at least 15 years, but I contacted him anyway. My lovely friend Kelly hooked me up with two of her friends and I was going to meet up with them to see a band and have drinks. I was looking forward to exploring the city and getting some much needed sleep.

Unfortunately the roads in Denver and the traffic was horrible and it took me two hours to get downtown to Colfax Ave. At this point I haven't heard from Kelly's friends, my friend has to work and I don't have a hotel room yet. Now I take responsibility for "winging it" with the hotel situation but I wasn't worried because I thought I had plenty of time and I could get recommendations from my friend and Kelly's people. I drove around looking for a hotel and trying to google on my cell to find out rates and I got lost. I have a GPS but I still managed to get lost. I pulled over and a valet came over and asked if I was picking someone up. I hadn't realized that I stopped in front of  a bar or something. I asked him for the nearest hotel and he recommend The Jet. I went there but found it difficult to find parking so I went into a parking garage half a block down. I did call the hotel and made sure they had open rooms but they were having a fashion show/party and I was told that the cheaper rooms were closer to the noise and it wouldn't be quiet till after 1:30am. Great, at this point I need to pee and eat something so I don't care anymore. In the middle of this, Kelly's friend calls me and I'm totally stressing because I'm trying not to get hit by the idiot in front of me or the jerk behind me. She forgot her phone at home and didn't get my message until late and it didn't work out for us to meet up. I was bummed out but things happen and I realized that this wasn't my night.  I paid and parked 2 levels down and proceeded to carry my awkward and heavy bags to the hotel. It had just snowed two days earlier so the sidewalks and streets sucked. The hotel looked more like a club than a hotel and there were a bunch of people milling about outside staring at me struggling with my luggage. I finally made it into the "hotel" and couldn't find anyone who actually worked there. The bartender was too busy and incredibly rude and I stood by the coat check desk for about 20 mins before I gave up.

I did ask quite a few people if they worked there or could help me and they looked at me like I was the nerdiest alien being ever. Completely annoyed and pissed off, I left and made my way back to the car in the depths of the parking garage. It's almost 8pm and I start crying. I can't help it. The tears flow and the cold air stings my cheeks; I don't care how bad I look or that people are staring at me, I need to let it out. I make it back to my car and I leave. I started calling other hotels and asking for rates. I cried even harder when I heard how expensive they were. Again, my fault for not planning ahead. I settled on the Warwick because it was the closest and the cheapest out of the five downtown hotels I called. I pulled up and the bellman came out, very sweet young guy and he took my heavy luggage inside and instead of charging me $26 for valet, he told me the meter spots across the street were free till 9am. I started to feel a little bit better. I'd also stopped crying at this point but I looked pretty gross.

The girl at the front desk was very sweet and smart because she picked up right away that I was having a horrible night. I told her I hated Denver and I just needed a room. I proceeded to tell her about my night and she said she'd just moved there and loved it and was going to change my mind. She gave me a discount, upgraded me to a suite, gave me tips on where to go and eat and gave me free wi-fi and coupons. I almost cried again but this time out of relief and gratitude. I'm "that" girl who cries when someone, especially a stranger, is nice to me. I made it up to the room and it was amazing. I actually considered staying longer just so I could spend more time in that room! It was a mini Pretty Woman experience for me. I got cleaned up and took myself out to a fancy dinner. I met up with my friend after he got off of work and had a great time chatting and laughing. The next day I checked out after having a fantastic room service breakfast and I went exploring for a bit. I was still tired and not motivated to drive yet. I walked around to a few shops and I grabbed lunch at the Cherry Cricket which has the most phenomenal burgers ever! I felt better in the morning and regretted the anger I had for Denver the night before.

Denver and I broke up before we even started and then I put Denver in the friend zone so it's not even an option anymore to move there and have a true relationship. I will visit Denver again, but I can't commit to living there now that we have a past. Part of me was frustrated that I hadn't figured everything out by the time I got to Denver and I punished Denver for that. I was starting to worry and fear that my Epic Journey was a fail because I didn't have my "A Ha" moment when a ray of light from the heavens shined down on me and I just knew what my next career move and living situation would be. I've learned lessons that are important but don't give me definitive answers. As I drove away from Denver, I realized that my geographical location is not what will make me happy; I need to be happy with me and then I can be happy anywhere............

On to Omaha, last stop before home.